Not yet ...

10dp3dt

I did not test this morning.  I decided to trust in the process and trust my body is doing everything it can.  Phrew!  So hard! J wants me to test and said he will not tell me the results.. Yeah, right!  Hahaha.  I thought about testing in the morning before my blood draw but that seems silly since we will know witout a doubt a few hours later.  Plus, we have a nice little day in Seattle planned and I want to enjoy my last few hours (of torture? ).  After that, life is changed one way or the other! 

If its good news, we get to start planning our trek back to San Diego!  Yippee!  If its bad news, I'll still go back to San Diego, just sooner.  Like, in 2 weeks.   ' be goin back to work!  Ya know, to pay off the mountain of debt we just incurred and then save up for the next round.   To put it in perspective, I realized we have spent just about as much on infertility as we did on our wedding.  Yikes.  

So tomorrow, I'm hoping for a beta of >20.  Realistically, anything over 0 means pregnant, but the higher the better.  Over 25 at 14 DPO is super fab.  If this happens, I'll go back in a few days to have it drawn again.  HCG should double at least every 72 hours.

Thank you guys from talking me down off the ledge!  I feel more at peace about the whole thing today.  I still feel really positive.  Everything else we had to get lined up--moving, leaving the shipyard, next orders- has worked out perfectly with the EDD of this cycle.  It HAS to work!  Everything else has!  

T minus 1,689 minutes.

The games we play...

This is a really neat list I found eHere that explains what is happening in the ut day by day after a 3 day transfer.  (for a 5day transfer start at day 2 where the embryo is now a blastocyst).

1dpt ..embryo is growing and developing 
2dpt... Embryo is now a blastocyst 
3dpt....Blastocyst hatches out of shell on this day 
4dpt.. Blastocyst attaches to a site on the uterine lining 
5dpt.. Implantation begins as the blastocyst begins to bury in the lining 
6dpt.. Implantation process continues and morula buries deeper in the lining 
7dpt.. Morula is completely implanted in the lining and has placenta cells & fetal cells 
8dpt...Placenta cells begin to secret HCG in the blood 
9dpt...More HCG is produced as fetus develops 
10dpt...More HCG is produced as fetus develops 
11dpt...HCG levels are now high enough to be immediately detected on HPT

Of course the process can vary and be faster or slower. This is a good general timeline.  

Accordingly, I shouldn't get a positive test until at least Wednesday, 7dp3dt (translation: 7 days past 3 day transfer) also the equivalent of 10 DPO (days past ovulation).  This is the widely accepted norm as the earliest a BFP would or could appear.  However, the dreaded 2WW and symptom-meter is at an all time high and I can't help but log every single weird thing my body is doing.  I've taken 3 hpt's since Wednesday morning.  I could SWEAR today's was darker than the rest... Today i am 2dp3dt and I've just shown you this would be all but impossible.  Yet I keep having to go back and look to compare to be sure.  I haven't asked J to take a look.... I asked him to compare Wednesday to Thursday and he said " oh def, Thursday's line is much lighter!". I had to point out to him I meant the test line, not the control line ;). Ya know, the line that's barely there and you have to squint to see?  Yeah, that line.  He would definitely tell me to lay off the crazy pills if I asked him to squint and compare the three.  

If you aren't yet TTC and haven't experienced a 2 week wait, girl, you are in for a treat!  If you are or have TTC then you know what I'm talking about when I say it is pure MADNESS!!  I'd like to think I know my body pretty well.  I know when I'm getting a migraine the second it starts, I can tell the difference between AF cramps and ovulation cramps.  Then comes along the "two week wait" and suddenly I start to second guess my 27 years of body-education and every twinge  becomes a pregnancy symptom.  It's so annoying!  My boobies are more sore than usual... Is it the progesterone or am I pregnant?  I think I felt a little twinge!  Implantation?  I'm feeling excessively bloated; was it the beans I ate yesterday or could it be...?  I feel a bit nauseous this morning, is it the antibiotics or a little embryo?  What about the coffee?  It didn't smell that strongly yesterday!  Maybe my sense of smell is getting more heightened!  

Yesterday was I was so off, I just had to laugh at myself.  I just started reading Game of Thrones (great book, btw, I'm hooked!) and had been reading in my lounge chair outside for a few hours.  Out of no where i start getting these intense cramps, the biggest I've had since I started stims.  Not quite AF cramps, different... Like deep in my belly.  Of course you can guess what my first thought was.  I got so excited!  Maybe this was it!  My friends tell me their only "symptom" was mild cramping and this is what I'm experiencing!  10 minutes go by and then I realize uh oh, I need an emergency bathroom pitstop.  Turns out my cramps weren't embryo related at all.  Just revenge of the DragonFire pizza I had the night before complete with spicy sauce, pepperoni and loads of jalapeños.  I'm telling you, the 2ww is torture!

Another thing someone pointed out to me is that maybe my twin dream was, in fact, correct and that even though we transferred only one embryo the possibility exists that it will split into two, identical twin fetuses.  Hmmm... I suppose.  I researched that normally identical twins occur at a rate of 0.25%.  The percentage rises to somewhere between 2-9% with IVF.  While still a very rare occurrence, I can't deny the possibility exists.  Cool.  Another thing to obsess and wonder about.  In order to keep myself in check and tone down the obsessing indent thinkmill take another hot until Monday.  I'm hoping the trigger will be out of my system and I can quit the "omg, is it darker?!" questioning for a few days until a BFP is more realistic.

The thing I do know for certain, fate will be determined in 8 days by my blood HCG draw.  August 19, hurry up!

The Little Embryo That Could

I started this morning off a little different than usual.  Patient's must have a full bladder prior to transfer to aid in the visualization via ultrasound.  I have a bladder the size of a walnut and was not looking forward to this part of the IVF process.  My alarm went off at 0800 and I proceeded to drink 32 ounces of non-caffeinated, non-carbonated beverage.  (This doesn't sound like a lot, but YOU try it.)  I take a shower, but neither of us can wear anything scented i.e. lotion, perfume, or deodorant.  Just au natural, baby!   We hop in the car at 0915 and I try to find a delicate balance between finishing my 32 ounces and not having to pee every 10 minutes during this 90 minute drive to the surgery center.  We pull into a lovely McDonalds at 10am which is to be my last pee stop before GO time.  This is where it got fun.  I'm already entirely full of water, but must drink 28 more ounces before 1030.  You know how if you drink too much too fast after exercise or when it's really hot and you can feel your stomach sloshing around?  That's what I felt like.  Like my guts were floating.  Traffic in Seattle was horrendous today so we pulled up right at 1045.  I couldn't sit comfortably, so I walked around the waiting room impatient and nervous.  1100 comes around and we are taken back to a darkened exam room.  J has to leave his coffee behind - the smell will disturb the lil embie!  Inside is a fancy stirrup table with a huge ultrasound machine, a window that looks like it belongs at the McD's drive-through, and a small t.v. screen up on the wall.  First, we talk with the embryologist.  She was a super nice lady.  She gives us the schpeel, we sign the consent papers, and she tells us that our little embryo is a beautiful, "good" grade 10 cell!  On day 3 (which is today for me), they like to see embryos at 6-8 cells, so we are above the wicket, YESSSS!!!  She hands us the first picture of our little embryo.  Talk about cool!!  People think the fancy ultrasound pics they post on Facebook are the shiznizzle, wait til they get a load of THIS.  Next, an ultrasound tech comes in to make sure my bladder is full enough for action.  I tell her that I KNOW its full enough but she checks anyways.  Low and behold, its too full. ugh!  I have to try and pee out about 100cc into a paper cup...  Kegels, anyone?  Apparently I must have some adhesions from my other surgeries and these make my uterus rise higher than normal with a full bladder making it tough to see.  Anyways, I figured it out and now she can see perfectly.  Next, Doc comes in and they do another trial transfer.  They make sure the catheter goes in easily, they can see everything they need to see via ultrasound, and that everyone is ready for the handoff.  Then, the tv screen in front of us they switch over from the ultrasound to the camera in the back.  We can literally see the microscope on tv!  They show the label on the dish, the tech and doc check my armband to make sure I'm getting the correct embryo transferred, and then we watch wide-eyed as the embryo gets sucked up into a little tiny catheter.  The embryologist passes it off through the drive-through window to the doc who then puts the catheter into my uterus.  They measure and look and measure again to make sure it's exactly as deep as they want before they deploy the catheter and little embie is inside.  Then they check the catheter to make sure its empty and little embie is, in fact, safe & sound in the ut.  I laid there for my mandatory 15 minute resting period and off we went, back to home!  I gotta tell ya, I am kind of a sciency geek, but seeing this was SO. FRKN. COOL. 

Our transfer couldn't have gone better.  Though we were hoping twins would be in the future, I am super happy with the high quality singleton we have!  I am to be on modified bedrest for 48 hours and then light duty for 2 weeks.  Like I said, I was too scared to POAS before my blood draw, but J talked me into it.  I took one this morning and it is still lightly positive.  We shall see what happens the next few days!  By my calculation, the trigger should be gone by Sunday...  My official quantitative HCG is schedule for Sunday, August 19.  10 days away.  Eeeeeek!

My poor tummy after 68 injections.  This is after the purple has faded a bit.

Before retrieval, feeling nervous!

After Retrieval... I have no recollection of this being taken!

Transfer:  The setup

Transfer: The Drive-Through

Our little 10 cell embryo!

" Grow embie, grow embie, GROW!  "

Quality over quantity, right?

Retrieval went fairly well! Minus being a little sleepy I don't feel any worse than I have the past couple days with cramping & bloating.  I still had 7 follies but 2 were too small to have mature eggs ( we anticipated that).  For whatever reason one of the other big follies was empty so we ended up with 4 eggs retrieved.  Of course I was hoping for more, but I am certainly happy with 4! Everyone continues to tell me quality over quantity is the best chance for success.  Easier to say than actually believe.  Our future family rests on these 4 lil eggs getting fertilized.  I'm trying to suppress my thoughts of "maybe they missed one? Did they drop any on the floor?"  I am focusing on relaxing and trying to find comfort in the fact that the rest of this process is out if my hands.  J and I have done everything possible, now it's up to doctors, embryologists, nurses, and mehbe the man upstairs!

I had a super freaky dream last night.... I dreamt I had a huge baby bump and everyone was shocked because I was so early in pregnancy but I got to break the news that i was huge because I was carrying twins!  I didn't tell J about it.... It seemed irrelevant and unimportant as we woke up at buttcrack a.m.  and scrambled out the door this morning.  Apparently I had the same dream during anesthesia because he said I woke up mumbling to him about the same exact thing! I don't remember telling J about my dream in the surgery center but hopefully this is a good omen!!  I remember walking to the OR, hopping on the table, the oxygen mask and monitors while reciting my mantra ... next thing I know I'm waking up behind the preop curtain.  I asked for my surgical cap off, my socks on, and then sleepily slurred to the nurse to make sure they were going to do ICSI on the eggs!  I can't wait to hear the fertilization report tomorrow.  Since we had only 4, I'm willing to bet the odds are pretty high we will do a 3 day transfer on Wednesday.   

I'm really trying to take one day at a time.... However, I am entranced by the POAS (pee on a stick) phenomenon!  I have consulted my calendar to figure out when I will be able to start testing.  I triggered with 10,000 HCG.  The body metabolizes 1,000 units every 24-28 hours.  Of course some bodies are more or less efficient than this.  According to the rule of thumb, a BFP on Monday Aug 13 could be fo rizzle.  My other option is to take a test every morning until I get a negative showing the trigger is out of my system.  A positive after that would be due to bebe!  At the same time, I'm super scared to test early, as in before a blood quantitative HCG by my RE.... What if all my poas's are negative???   Decisions, decisions.  One day at a time...  Let's get some eggs fertilized first.

Day 8

Yaaaaaaaaaay! Today's check was fab! I haven't received my E2 results yet but had some big fatty follies growing! Two are a nice 19mm, two are at 17mm, one is at 15mm and two at 13mm. Today before leaving the office we got our instructions for trigger and retrieval. The practitioner said it looks promising for trigger tonite or tomorrow! We will know this afternoon after Dr K makes the decision and when nurse Katie calls. This would put retrieval at either Sunday or Monday. Yikes!


This part of the process is why we pay the $big bucks$.  To be successful it is imperative they follow a strict timeline.  If the follicles aren't big enough or mature enough and are aspirated early, they might not contain mature eggs and/or the eggs won't fertilize properly.  If they wait too long, I will ovulate all these eggs on my own and we lose the chance to retrieve them.  I've had heard they want follicles between 16-20mm for the best chance to find nice, juicy ripe eggs.  The other balancing act is the HCG trigger shot (aka "money shot").  The HCG acts as the LH surge in a natural cycle and puts the follicles through their final maturation process.  Without HCG (or LH) the follicles and eggs they contain are useless and won't fertilize.  The trigger MUST be given precisely 36 hours before retrieval.

Why do I say yikes! when I refer to retrieval?  It is a complicated and delicate process.  First, it involves me undergoing anesthesia.  Though I could administer it to myself thanks to my CNOR certification, it scares me to be the receiver and not the giver.  Second, I will be up in stirrups with coot for all to see.  Third, in order to get those lovely eggs, via ultrasound guidance they stick a giant needle through the vaginal wall to aspirate the follicles.  This might also involve pushing/pulling my already bloated tummy or a hole through the uterus if they can't get them via vag.  Oh by the way, please don't put a hole in my ureters or bowel, thanks!  Finally, I work in the operating room, I KNOW what goes on....  Sometimes it's fun.  Most times it's good, but when it's bad, it's b.a.d.  The reassuring angle is I know what to expect and really, this is a fairly minor (though nerve-wracking) procedure.  I also plan on wearing my own cute scrub hat instead of the ugly, itchy blue bouffant most patients are subjected to.   After retrieval, I'm hopped up on propofol (the Michael Jackson drug) and Vicodin and the rest of the work is up to the embryologist and his gang of pros.  They do some fancy work that involves isolation, incubation, and fertilization.  Most times they just mix up sperm and eggs in a dish and they fertilize.  Because of J's lazy ass sperms we will be doing ICSI or intracytoplasmic sperm injection.  After he gives it up in a cup, they'll pick out the bestest looking ones "going for gold" and inject one single sperm into each egg via a seriously tiny needle.  Like microscopic.  The next day we find out how many actually fertilized-  usually 80% do.  This is where they turn from eggs to embryos.  Then, we wait!  After fertilization, they start to divide.  Some will arrest after fertilization due to chromosome issues and whatnot.  The transfer (when embryo goes from petri dish to warm, comfy ut) takes places either 3 or 5 days after retrieval.  5 days is preferred as this is the point when the embryos have reached blastocyst stage.  A 3 day transfer is still o.k. And sometimes is done if waiting until day 5 has no advantage; say if you only had 1 or 2 embryos to transfer anyhow.  If more embryos than what we will transfer are still viable and growing at day 6, they can be cryopreserved or made into embie-cubes!  Even if we have eggs that fertilize and embryos that make it to blastocyst stage, our chances of making it to implantation and a screaming kid 36 weeks later are 65%.  In the IVF world, this is actually pretty darn good.
So, as you can see we have only managed to jump one of several hurdles.  I've made it past what i think is our biggest one, egg growing!  As J said, you can't make it past the other hurdles until you make it over the first one.  Man, he's awfully philosophical at 9am.  We are hoping and praying and crossing all possible appendages that retrieval, fertilization, blastocyst, and implantation will leave us with the biggest, fattest, BFP there ever was!!!




UPDATE: Retrieval will be Sunday at 0830!  E2 was 2603 today.  Wowza!  Once again J rocked out the money shot.  We ended up triggering with 10,000 units which means it'll take me ~10 days to flush it out of my system... Delays my POAS accuracy a lil more but i'm prepared.  I believe I have 10 pregnancy tests along with like 12 strips to pee on.  I'm going to be a POAS freak!  


Since trigger is done, NO MORE NEEDLES!!  Hallelujah!  

IVF #2, Day 7

Hit up the doc again this morning, only this time the fam waited at Target instead of the REs waiting room. I would have loved to see the reactions of everyone seeing a 69yr old couple at a fertility clinic!  While I haven't gotten my E2 (blood estrogen) results yet, I am absolutely ecstatic about my follie count and size today! I should have my E2 this afternoon.  I had a few follies under 10mm that weren't measured, but also had two 16mm, three 15mm, and two 13mm.  A total of seven nice ones. SEVEN!  I just about cried right there on the table, feet in stirrups with my coot hanging out. I had to calm J down a lil bit and remind him we still have to make it through retrieval, have follies fertilize and then implant which means a long road to go but it's looking good. The nurse practitioner doing my ultrasound said she's not sure what I did the past two days but to keep doing it cuz its working! That means plenty of ice cream and couch time. :)  I had a headache all Tuesday night and yesterday and so spent the day yesterday at home by myself chillin while the fam visited Seattle for the day. A day to grow some eggies was apparently what the doctor ordered. Getting dressed this morning I came across my starfish necklace (the one I wore at our wedding) and figured I'd start wearing it. Momma said to "wish upon a starfish" so that I am!

I am so relieved! We will be going back tomorrow at 0800 for another ultrasound. What a great frkn day!

UPDATE: Nurse Katie called, estrogen is at 1723 today. Holy cow! She was really happy with my ultrasound and said how great it is that I'm responding so well this time. There is a good possibility I may be ready for the HCG trigger shot tomorrow night which would make retrieval Sunday morning. Yikes. I will be really glad to be done with all these injections but am scared for the anesthesia part of retrieval. 2 needles a day for 10 days followed by 5 needles a day for 7 days has done a number on my belly! Though I don't have near the size of bruises as last cycle, there are a number of bright purple and green areas. It's real cute. Tomorrow is a big day, wish us luck!

IVF #2, Day 5 so far so good!

I had my Day 5 blood and ultrasound check yesterday. At this point last cycle when I was cancelled, my estrogen was barely over 50 and though I had 6 follies, they were too small to measure (<5mm). Yesterday, I had only 4 follies, but one was already 10mm! My ut lining was 7mm and my estrogen was a whopping 1100. Wowie!! I was supposed to go back Friday but they want to see me tomorrow for another blood draw and ultrasound. I was a little worried cuz my estrogen was so high but Nurse Katie reassured me it's fine. I probably have more follicles hiding than they can see. Retrieval is 50% chance for Tuesday but could be any day between Sunday and Thursday. We will hear more tomorrow. Of course nothing is guaranteed at this point, but I'm super stoked that I'm responding to stims this time! YAY!!

I am The Luckiest

Today marks a very special day, our 4 year anniversary! I never thought it possible to love, laugh, enjoy, and have so much damn fun with one person. I definitely consider myself the luckiest to have such a great man to call my partner :).

Quick IVF update, my suppression check went fab! No cysts, ut lining looking good, yay yay yay! I started microdose Lupron injections (10u units) Wednesday and take that twice a day. Tomorrow I'll keep doing Lupron and add 450 units Follistim and 75 units menopur which comes out to 4 injections a day. Yikes. I'm going to be a big, fat, purple pincushion! I'll have my first blood draw and ultrasound Tuesday (Day 5) to check progress. Game time is here, and I'm getting very nervous!

Round 2, "DING!"

In gearing up for the fam to arrive and craziness fixing to start, I figured now would be a good time for an update! I have been taking my estrogen pills and ganirelix injections. No complaints there. I had a real fear I wouldn't get to take either because of my nonexistent LP but here we are, 10 DPO and going strong! Right on track with the calendar; a huge, HUGE reassurance. I have a few minor bruises but nothing compared to what I'm sure is coming with 450iu of Follistim. I learned a little trick to ice my belly before injecting to dull the pain a tad, works great! I'm not near as hesitant to stick my fat (otherwise I'd stand there with my "inch" pinched for 30 seconds and have a 1, 2, 3 attitude). It is hard to stick yourself when you know the poke is coming. My suppression check should be early next week and if all is well, stims will begin by late next week! I am super excited for this time around. I am still very scared IVF might not work again, but so many positive things have happened and are happening, I just can't help but be positive.

For instance:
- it was a little more than 7 months ago I met with Dr Z when he told me to check into IVF stat. He said with a little luck we'd be holding baby M by next May. At the time I though, "May?!? Ef that, I want it in 10 months! now!". And wouldn'tcha know it, EDD with this cycle will be right around April 30.

- We were also hoping to get lucky on our Maui vacay, our last ditch TTC effort before spending the big bucks! Our hotel concierge was very excited for a Maui Baby and let us know it. Of course it is just coincidence, but where we're we April 30th this year? You guessed it! While not quite a "Maui baby," still pretty cool.


The eggs have def been getting lots of love and I'm am all but convinced that makes a difference. With all my yoga, imagery, and mantra-ing, my chakra has got to be centered by now! I've also been a baby book and article reading ho! Yesterday I took "What to Expect When You're Expecting" to read for entertainment while the oil was being changed in the jeep. ;) A few months ago I was too afraid to read any pregnancy or baby related articles as I didn't want to 'get ahead of myself.' I thought the disappointment would be worse if I was all prepared to not eat sushi and had the crib already picked out. Unfortunately I found out disappointment really sucks whether I was educated or not. With the power of positive influence on my brain, I have to say I have really enjoyed eyeballing maternity fashion and getting smart about all things baby. Even J has taken a stroll or two through the baby section in the store checking out the goods... Awwww. I started using green cleaners and making a lot of my own. I started lifting light weights(affectionately known as my "granny weights"), ya know, cuz babies and carriers and diaper bags are heavy! We've also started eating a bunch more veggies and *pout* less cheese. I've all but given up wine and even J has put down the beers for now. We've taken proactive, super healthy and smart steps to make Round 2 as successful as we can stand it to be. I'm feeling good. J's feeling good. Hopefully those eggies are feeling great!

We have exactly 47 hours until the house occupancy is tripled. Today I think I'm going to watch the birds, watch the squirrels mess with the birds & my bird feeders, and enjoy the silence. It's going to be a long, exciting, emotionally charged three weeks!

2WW, WTF!!

Here's why I'm fretting:

I thought I was over suppressed by OCP and hence would have an anovulatory cycle this go around.

But then I O'd on CD19 which while later than "average" is very normal for me. {CD14 of a 28 day cycle is 'average'... }

Usually, my luteal phase is 4-8 days (except when I was on clomid). I spot continuously after ovulation until AF shows up. I've been spotting since Wednesday and been having cramps like AF. Literally, every time I use the ladies room, I grab a tampon cuz I'm sure she's here! TMI, sorry I know... Today is CD30, I'm 11DPO (a freakin record!), the spotting has subsided this morning.... Still cramps, no AF, and a BFN along with a temp drop this a.m. Technically tomorrow I'll be "late."

Here's my FF so you can stalk http://www.fertilityfriend.com/home/38a4f2

WTF is going on!!?! The longer this drags out, the longer it delays our next IVF cycle. Ugh. I want to know one way or another so badly! I Hate WAITING!! Rawr.

In Limbo

It is looking like our wait for the next IVF round will be shorter vice longer, yippee! Miraculously, I ovulated last Thursday. See those beautiful crosshairs? I was crossing all possible digits hoping this would be the case. However, the confusing part is that this destroys my theory that the stim injections failed because I was over suppressed by OCP. If I was over suppressed, I most likely would be going through an anovulatory cycle now. So now I am left to wonder, "why the heck didn't I grow a bunch of big, fat, eggs?" This makes me really nervous for the possibility of failing again with round #2. :/ I am stumped. Hopefully my RE will not be.

If all goes according to the plan that we didn't strike it lucky on our own this month, it looks like I'll be starting injections around 12 July... And hopefully not Friday the 13th! The good news is our EDD would be the beginning of April. After the ship moves back to San Diego, before it leaves for 30 days in May, with plenty of time to spare before we PCS to God knows where in July. J is thrilled and already less stressed. The bad news is this means we'll be in the middle of craziness and drugs & needles and appointments every 3 days and a very grouchy, irritated, hormonally charged ME with no wine allowed just in time for his two sons and my inlaws to visit for 3 (yes, three!) weeks. It's going to be a circus! You gotta laugh.

The only thing we can do now is wait. Wait for my pal Mary, or wait for a BFP (yeah, right, but one can hope!)


P.s. I haven't heard anything further regarding my subpoena. I haven't gotten it in the mail, I haven't been contacted by the DA, and the detective hasn't returned my call from last week. I've decided to let it go in hopes they forget about me or decide to fry bigger fish!

A few more tricks

I have never been so nervous for a doctor appointment as I was on Monday! I was really afraid of what the verdict would be and whether they had stronger drug protocols I could use since I had done one of the strongest. Of course, Drs first suggestion was donor egg and I said no. Maybe later, but for now I feel like we still have a chance to be successful with my own lil eggs. They can't really pinpoint what went wrong or could have caused the lack of response.... Maybe it was an off month, maybe the drug dose was too high, maybe it was the BCP.... Who knows. The good news is there are two other protocols she thinks will work well. One is a Lupron microflare protocol, which I read about and am glad she mentioned. It works in conjunction with the body's natural hormone levels to recruit follicles for the following cycle. It is one that has the most success for those who are poor responders or have low ovarian reserve, read: me. The other she mentioned is a LEAP protocol. May be similar to estrogen priming?? I'm not sure.... I haven't heard of it, google can't find me much so I don't know a whole lot. My understanding is that they make it easier to "wake up" the follicles, so during my next cycle, I'll monitor for ovulation, then start Estrace and an injection to sync the follicles (instead of suppressing with BCP) so they all start growing at the same time.

The summary of my 30 minutes in the docs office: she has tricks up her sleeve! We just need to wait for Uterine Exodus before we can proceed. I'm on CD 19, so this could be next week (if I ovulate, which I haven't yet, but hopefully will by CD22), or indefinitely if I'm too screwed up by BCP then injections then nadda. We shall see. Although there is still a minuscule chance for "au natural" this month and hubby is glad to hear this. Best case scenario, we are back to poking and prodding by mid-end July.

I've started yoga for infertility which basically involves massaging your innards through breathing... Yeahhhh..... I've also been doing reflexology, which I've found is super easy and quick. I'm still debating about acupuncture ... everywhere I read says theres no proof, but it can't hurt. It'll hurt my already empty wallet, that's for sure!

In closing, an interesting tidbit I came across: the 2nd chakra, Svadhisthana is the one associated with the reproductive system. Two ways to open up and clear your chakra: imagine a lotus flower opening and closing, or become one with the color orange. Wear it, imagine it, eat and drink it, BE orange. interesting. I swear, I picked out the background for this blog long before I knew orange and Svadhisthana were related.

I am that I am

When I started this blog, I didn't know what I expected to get out of it. I didn't particularly want to do it. I've never been a writer or one who journals. I wasn't sure I wanted "our business" out there for everyone to see. But somehow, it felt like the right thing to do. Someone told me it would be a nice outlet. A good way to remember everything you're going through.

They are right.

I've been nosing around other writers and came across a page called The Infertility Voice. In one of her posts, she talks about sharing your story, even with just one person, and how it can help. Help you cope, help you heal. Help you with decisions and give the opportunity for others to offer advice, or just listen and be an avenue of release. I think now, I realize that's my goal. To organize and vent my thoughts. To become more familiar with talking about what J and I are going through to help people understand. To be honest and talk about the disease. To bring light to infertility and not be silenced or ashamed by it. It will help me be confident in who I am and where our journey will take us.

"once a person starts talking about their journey, you can see the relief in their eyes with each word uttered, to finally unburden themselves with the stories they’ve carried in silence." Silence... For a long, long, time.


I've been doing yoga a lot since moving to Washington and have been looking for a mantra or vision to use. I found one, and today will be my first day using it. Mom, don't get mad at me, but I wrote it in pen on my hand. ;). I didn't want to be downward dogging and forget it!



I am whole
I am perfect
I am strong

I am happy
I am healthy & harmonious

I am beautiful
Powerful
Lovable

I am that I am that I am

The Next Day

Saturday, June 2, was actually a pretty fair day, considering all that happened yesterday. I went to bed with the biggest headache in the world, and despite excedrin migraine, lots of water, and my sleep mask, I still wake up to pounding. I wake up feeling like it must be 10:00.... It's 630. I can't sleep so start my Googling again. I find all sorts of things that worked for other poor responders... Lupron for 3-5 days while on BCP, no suppression before IVF start, estrogen priming, Higher dose of menopur, stimming for more days, Micro dose Lupron flare protocol..... This is all gibberish to me, but the plus side is that there are options!

I am still devastated, but feel like I have to go back to my usual, positive self. It's still hard to walk past my box of drugs or see the follistim sitting where the eggs should be in the fridge. I also have two bright purple quarter sized bruises on my belly, an ugly reminder of what those injections didn't produce. Yesterday was my chance to feel sorry for myself and be upset so today I'm ready to start fixing it. I read that unfortunately, there probably was nothing I could or couldn't do to keep the cycle from failing. J and I talk more about what we are going to do. We both agree everything will work out how it's supposed to... Everything happens for a reason... After all, it has for us up until this point! It's so hard to take the disappointment, but I have to believe it will work out in the end.

I decide I'm going to start temping again starting tomorrow. I want to know if I'm going to ovulate these 2 follicles, or if I'm in for a 50 day cycle like last July when I went off contraception. Then again, maybe J and I will get lucky with one of these follicles! I doubt it, but we have the opportunity for 1 more month of fun.

I am not ready to talk adoption or donor egg. I have eggs, I ovulate on my own, I had an Antral follicle count of 9, my AMH is just above 1(low, but not awful) .... My CD 3 labs were checked on my regular cycles, my FSH was 6, estrogen at 48, which are both well within normal range. We just have to figure out how to get those eggies to grow! Even though my egg supply is tiny, my eggs are still young. Hopefully this is good news for fertilization and implantation.... If we ever get that far.

Oh, we took out the fishing poles. No fish, but we caught some crabs! I haven't fished in a long time, but it is a great way to make time pass faster and very, very relaxing. I can see myself doing it a lot the next few weeks.

Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day

Reason #1 Friday, June 1 was awful: I'm an operating room nurse in Level I trauma centers. As such, we often deal with trauma in the OR, including gunshots. I got a call from a detective across the country where I used to work informing me that I was involved with a homicide victim. Because I was the one who sealed the bullet in the envelope before it was handed over to authorities, they want to fly me out the end of this month to testify and he is sending my subpoena ASAP. With all I've got going on medically, I wanted to slap this detective through the phone line. Added undue stress = not good.


Why Friday, June 1 was terrible, horrible, no good, and very, very, very bad:
8:40 AM, I had my Day 7 ultrasound and blood work. Performed by a very educated and professional physician. He saw 2 follicles, both measuring less than 10mm. My uterine lining measured 3.3mm. What all this means, he tells me? Its not looking good. My body is basically sleeping, I am not responding to the stimulation injections. He is going to consult with my usual RE but most likely my IVF cycle is going to be cancelled because I am far from producing what they expect/ed. My appointment for tomorrow's scan is cancelled. After they get my bloodwork back, I can expect a call from the nurse later today instructing me as to my next step. I leave the office and almost make it to the elevator before bursting into tears. I sit in my jeep thankful for the travel pack of Kleenex in my glovebox. I can't call J, he's about to give a big speech in 30 minutes and I want him to rock it out, not be distracted. I think about calling my mom, but all I'd do is blubber on the phone. After 20 minutes I decide I'd better just get home and pick up J.

In the parking lot on base I have 30 minutes before J is done with his speech & ceremony. So much is running through my brain. "Why?... I won't be pregnant next week.... I knew this was going to happen.... What do we do next?... I know I have eggs, where'd they go?...". I research acupuncture on my phone and make an appointment for Monday at a local place. I research "poor responders to IVF" and "over suppression with oral contraceptives before IVF.". J hops in the car, asks how it went, and I don't get one word out, just tears. I give him the rundown. We're both silent. I decide I still want to get my military ID renewed today (it's a pain, and since he's done with work, we might as well.) I get a nice picture of myself with puffy eyes on an ID card I have to carry around for the next 4 years. Perfect.

We run to Fred Meyer to get a few groceries and things for the weekend. I see a lady rocking her newborn in the furniture section and run to sporting goods before I make a scene. J is an avid fisherman so we get what he calls "the basics." I thought that was a pole, a bobber, and a worm, but I am wrong. I decide to get a pink UglyStik, a good choice, he says. Shopping is a nice distraction. J is in his whites so a very nice gentlemen buys our coffees and he gets a lot of gratitude about his service.

We get home, and between the hormones I've been injecting and the heartbreak, I am a waterfall of emotion. I make lunch, but can't eat. After an hour, J sets me up a chair and book down by the water. He spends the afternoon hauling buckets of rocks and shell to make our trail to the water safe. I read, but am attached to my phone, waiting for my nurse to call. At 3:00, my phone rings. It's my doctor, not a nurse... Ruh roh. She says my estrogen actually went down. At this point in the game, it should be between 150 - 500. Mine is less than 40. I am to stop all injections and meds except my vitamin. Basically now it's a waiting game for my menses to come spontaneously before we can do anything else. She says she is surprised because I was on one of their strongest protocols, but says we have options. We make an appointment for June 11 to discuss what our next step will be. J and I build a fire, open some wine, and I proceed to cry the entire rest of the day. At 9:15, 12+ hours later, I finally run out of tears to cry.

Stims Day 5 check-up

May 30: I went this morning for my first ultrasound since I've started the stim injections. Once again, the nurse has a hard time finding my ovary and getting an accurate follicle count. She actually didn't even tell me how many follicles she saw, but typed in the computer 5... I was all prepared with pen & paper in hand to write down measurements, but she said they are all still too small to be measured. This makes me a lil nervous since next week is supposed to be retrieval! I'm very scared, but trying to reassure myself that worrying won't do anything but hurt the process.

The nurses at the office called a few hours later to tell me my estradiol is at 45.5 which is low, but since my follicles are so small they wouldn't expect it to be much higher. I am instructed to keep menopur the same but increase my Follistim from 300IU to 375 for the next two days. Also, instead of going Saturday, they want to see me back Friday for more blood and another u/s. This time they are going to have a physician do my scan to make sure it's as accurate as it can be. I take some deep breathes and remind myself there is no problem; this is why they monitor me so closely, to make sure everything looks fabulous. I am very, very happy that they took the initiative to have a doc do my next scan. As a patient, it makes me feel really good that these medical workers are doing the best they can do to help us get a positive outcome. I'm sure they want good results as much as we do! After all, for the $$ we pay, and to keep their success rate high, they should. ;)

This evening I give J the doc report. He can tell I'm stressing, and between that and the hormones I can't help but bawl. I feel crazy, but he says "granny always said you'd feel better if you just let it out." He's such a great man. I am thankful for him & his mom raising him like she did. Since J will be responsible for giving me the HCG trigger shot in the bum, or money shot as I like to call it, I want him to practice. He is deathly afraid of needles and can barely watch me inject myself; hence why I want him to warm up a lil bit. I draw everything up, give him the overview again and lo & behold, he rocks it out! Didn't even flinch. What a rockstar!

With 5 days of injections under my belt, I'm feeling pretty good. I only have 2 bruises, which I think might be because they were higher on my belly than the other injection sites. I haven't gotten too cranky or overly emotional yet, and besides feeling a little more bloated than usual, I feel mostly normal.

4/20, a big day! And a summary to catch up to 5/28 :)

April 20 I took my first birth control pill. This means we are no longer TTC and are officially on the road to IVF. Woot woot! It is strange to be on BCP because it seems backwards from the goal... The contraceptive suppress your body's system and lets all the antral follicles get on the same "schedule." Antral follicles are what grow up to become the eggs that are ovulated each month. We start off with a fairly large number of follicles (say 4-12), and the one that responds the best to hormones is the one that matures and is ovulated, the rest die. In IVF, the goal is to mature and capture ALL the antral follicles.

Some people call them "test tube" or "Petrie dish" babies. The woman takes injections of hormones to grow eggs. The eggs are retrieved surgically and mixed with sperms in a Petrie dish. After 3-5 days of incubation, fertilized eggs, now embryos are put into the uterus. If you aren't familiar with IVF and want a rundown, here ya go.

April 24: I went in for my Antral follicle count ultrasound (u/s) and trial transfer. The nurse counted 9 little follicles! I am super ecstatic. Supposedly 6 or more gives you a pretty good success rate. The more you have, the more they can retrieve, fertilize, grow, and transfer back as little embryos. I was SO afraid I was going to have like... One. When she said 9, I just about cried tears of joy! The trial transfer was a little tricky and uncomfortable, but overall not too bad.

May 8: The day of truth. Our consent visit. J and I ask any last minute questions. We are described again in detail the process, then we sign away our lives and the future lives of our embryos. The great part about this visit: we got our calendar!! It tells us when to start stim injections, our tentative retrieval and transfer dates, and most important, the date of the HCG blood draw to tell if I'm pregnant or not. Holy crackers!!! IM SO EXCITED!

 May 11: The shipment of drugs arrived. Wowza, I'm surprised at it all! Until I figure out how to get iPad pics on here, you're outta luck.. But in this case, the picture really does speak 1,000 words.... Or maybe 3,800 words. Hahaha. I am also pleasantly surprised to find out I don't have to do progesterone in oil injections, I get suppositories instead. This means I'm a pin cushion for only 2-3 weeks and not 12-13. Yippee!

May 21-23: We were in Virginia for the weekend and get stuck an extra two days. Two €€*%#&$ days at an "international" airport... UUURRRRGGGHHH I am beyond irritated. I cry in the airport; not because J is missing work or because I have no luggage, but because my suppression check is supposed to be Tuesday and I'm scared this shit is going to mess up my cycle. I also find out my nurse no longer works with SRM so now I don't know who to call. I end up rescheduling my suppression check twice and settle on Thursday morning. The head of nursing is managing my care now and reassures me that as long as everything looks o.k., we'll still be good start stims on Saturday. Hallelujah.

May 24: Suppression check. My uterine lining is measuring a perfect 4.1mm ( they like to see less than 5mm). The nurse practitioner doing the u/s has a hard time finding my ovary so calls in a doc to help her out. After a little digging and a extra hand to push it down, they count 7 antral follicles. While less than I was hoping for, I'm still happy with 7. After all, all it takes is 1! They also do a short pre-op questionnaire since I will be under anesthesia for egg retrieval. I get the official go ahead to start stims in 2 days. Before leaving, I write the biggest check I've ever written and leave feeling pretty good and in disbelief that it's starting!

May 26: Ready, set, inject!! I'm so nervous but excited the day is finally here! J isn't at home (he's CDO on the ship) so I was a little sad he missed this epic moment, but since he hates needles he wasn't exactly disappointed to miss the occasion. Lol. I was so nervous to do it and felt really silly. I re-read the info sheets for the thousandth time, and triple checked the meds and dosage. Guess that's the nurse in me :). If I were at work giving these drugs to someone else, it'd probably take me 5 minutes or less. I was so nervous to get it right, I managed to drag it out for 25. Sheesh. I have two injections, follistim and menopur. Follistim is easy and comes in a little pen device. Menopur I have to mix and unfortunately it burnsss! Nevertheless, we are one day closer, and I am freaking out! It's so weird to think in could be preg in 2 weeks!!~~!!

May 28: J and I had to drive all the way to Seattle to get my blood drawn this morning. My usual office in Tacoma is closed for the holiday. 3 hours in the car for less than 10 minutes at the office. I'm not complaining, it's worth it! I think J feels a little guilty having to watch me poke myself for these injections. He was feeling like absolute poo this morning but wanted to show his dedication to me and the process and came anyways. Poor kid was barfing the whole way there. Guess he really does love me and wants this as bad as I do ! :) :). The nurses called a few hours later to tell me everything looks good and to keep doing what I'm doing. Roger.