down & up & back down again.

I have been in a super funk this whole month.

After "the talk", I had a crazy two weeks where I was super scared/sad/unsure about DE.  After much debate and stuff, we've decided that in the future if nothing else works out that maybe it'll be a possibility.  For now, we are going to wear out stimmed IUI/IVF.  Well, as much as we can considering how frickin expensive that shit is.  :(  J is super supportive and really wants to do whatever it'll take to make me happy & comfortable.  That man is so awesome to me.  I'm lucky and I know it. 

I spoke with my RE again after he received my labs.  Even after his "beating the dead horse" remark, he feels an AMH of 1.04 really isn't that terrible.  My acupuncturist agrees, and after last months cycle successes she is hoping we won't need drugs, etc to conceive.  I'm a little more skeptical...

This month has not been nearly as successful with the acupuncture/herbs as last.  I O'd late (CD17) and have had a few spotings here and there.  LP is looking like it may only be 7-8 days at the most.  Ugh.  Even though we've gotten lucky and been able to time our BD perfectly these last two cycles, still BFNs.  Part of my super funk is I feel like this is NEVERRRRRRRR going to happen for us!  I'm sick of acupuncture.  I'm sick of pills and vitamins and chunky smoothies with fertility shit in them.  I'm sick of avoiding caffeine and alcohol.  I'm sick of temping/charting.  I'm sick of people giving me fertility "advice."  I have offically gotten to the point where I silently cry when people tell me their wonderful pregnancy news.  I feel like we are still at the bottom of a giant mountain looking up.  We knew this was going to be a challenge.  I just didn't think it would be THIS hard.

Trying to Stay Positive

Flash back to last week.  J and I had a whirlwind weekend.  Wednesday I start a new liquid herb to help support my luteal phase.  My temps are super high and by Saturday I am cramping like crazy.  On Monday, AF is still absent??!?  I know better than to get toooo hopeful but think to myself "if i'm not, I need to got to the doc because something is seriously wrong with my guts!"  I didn't want to test early as I wanted J around to see/hear the news firsthand so I wait.  I fly up to Bremerton Thursday morning for the weekend.  We found out Saturday (well actually friday after a BFN) that indeed, we are just not that lucky.

In keeping with my half-glass-full mentality we are doing our best to see the good in all this.  After 14 months of negative after negative, that's getting a tad difficult.  But alas, there is always something positive to take away, no?  It is apparent to me that acupuncture/herbs is working its magic.  I told myself this month was a win no matter what because *DRUM ROLL* the only time I spotted was the day before AF.  Miraculous!  TMI alert: it was still brown and nasty, and day 1 was pretty gross & terrible too but this.is.HUGE.   My LP in total made it past 10 days.  Miraculous!  My temps were in the "normal" range instead of too cold.  The only time these things have happened otherwise is with drugs i.e. clomid or IVF when my body was hopped up on hormones.  There are many who gave me weird looks when I said I was trying eastern medicine.  When the proof is on paper, there isn't much you can deny.  I'm not silly and agree maybe its just a huge coincidence.  We'll find out in 26 days if coincidence strikes twice.
 See for yourself:   My Chart      

The other reason my bubble is a little burst?  Dr. UCSD called me back after his discussion with his colleagues.  Our conversation was hopeful but realistic.  He mentioned to me POF - premature ovarian failure- and early menopause which I have known for a long time was a possibility.  He said he is up for trying some stimmed IUIs.  We can't really do that until J is home permanently in April.  I asked him if there was anything we could do in the mean time to help our odds (ya know, progesterone, Ovidrel... anything, man, give me drugs!) And I shit you not, his exact words were: "those types of things will indeed prolong your luteal phase.  Since it seems your issue stems from poor follicular growth even if we used them it'd be like beating the same old, dead horse."  I almost died.  Alas, I agree he is right but those were some harsh words!  Sheesh.

In August after WTF#2, I was not prepared nor ready to hear about donor egg.  I felt like (and still do) that we have time on our side.  However I know our success decreases as each month passes.  Hearing what I did from Dr UCSD was a shock.  But a good one.  Kind of like when you shock a heart in asystole to get it beating again.  J and I had a short discussion about DE and what we are up for and open to.  I think I'm getting off that river, DeNile, and letting reality set in.  The challenge now is to decide if that's really the right thing for us and our future.    

Nov update

What's new:  Not sure what's working, but this month and last I ovulated DAYS before I had been.  My luteal phase is up to a whopping 13 days, hallelujah!  I still have that pesky spotting but I'll take these other 2 wins I've gotten so far ;)

We met with our new RE (along with his 2 fellows) in San Diego.  He is a super nice, very educated man.  He also happens to be director of infertility and reproductive endocrinology at UC-San Diego.  Dare I say Tricare, ftw??!  He is discussing our case at a meeting the group holds weekly before writing our care plan.  I think its going to involve lots of ultrasounds to track follicles, possibly some drugs, and IUI.

In the mean time, were keeping the love alive!  I flew back tonite from Bremerton after a "catch that egg" weekend.  I decided Wednesday night to hop on a plane Thursday morning.  It was a brilliant last minute idea. :).  I'm CD 14 today.  I forgot to pack opks so just waiting on a temp rise hopefully tomorrow or Tuesday!  That would be ideal.  Also sending all the good vibes I can muster to the lil guys.  Come on swimmerz, do your job!!  Ha.

October update

I was going to start by saying nothing too much is new, but then realized that is inaccurate.  I feel like a new person!  Lets see how many fertility friendly additions I've added to my life... Aaaaand, go!

- I've been back at work for 5 weeks, in the operating room for 4.  The transition from Bremalow couch potato to basically full time nursey on my feet all day has gone smoother than I anticipated.  This transition has also fed my weight loss efforts. :).  (What's a Bremalow, you ask?  Search YouTube for sir mix-a-lot, it's a hilarious song about where we were stationed in the PNW.)

- I've added regular yoga back to my schedule. I quit back in August because I was too afraid to move during the IVF 2WW.  Then moving, job, etc... It had been awhile. I'm back at it and continuing my search for a studio.  One I like is closing, the other only has classes at 530pm...  Anyone have thoughts on the Corepower chain?  Thinking of trying them out next week.

- I've been to acupuncture 4 times (3 with Lori, the lady I decided to go with) and love it!  I'm excited to see where it leads and how it affects my cycles.  At Lori's encouragement, she also has me trying out a dairy & gluten free diet.  Multiple people have mentioned to me gluten free for fertility.  I figured it can't hurt to try it.  Apparently my yin & yang are out of balance causing my kidneys to be unbalanced and dampness in my chi which can block pathways or something... Dairy, which makes mucous, can cause this dampness.  So it only makes sense to cut it out, right?  Again, it can't hurt to try.  In addition to fertilaid, I'm also taking an herb called Resolve Lower to help warm me up and keep away cyst formation.  Along with this "warming up" process, I can't drink cold drinks I.e. anything iced and I eat EVERYTHING heated or cooked.  Even my apple.  Yes, it's nuts.  I don't care.  I'm dedicated. 

- I drink fertillty smoothies every morning for " breakfast."  A combination of rice protein powder (gluten & dairy free, you see, no whey protein allowed!) super greens, Acai berry, maca root powder, royal jelly, bee pollen, and a load of liquid omegas.  Royal jelly is what the hive feeds the queen bee enabling her to lay hundreds of eggs each day.  Give me some of that fertile egg power!

- since I got so fat in Bremerton (see point 1, Bremalow), I'm trimming down.  A 20lb gain on my little frame meant I was over 30 BMI, the cut off for most fertility clinics to treat.  Dun dun dun!  Of course working and eating so healthy have attributed to my weight loss effort.  My first goal was to lose 15 lbs by Christmas, followed by 8 more by Valentines day.  Welp, I'm pleased to say that 4 weeks in, I'm already down 8 pounds.  High fives!

I'm hoping all these efforts get us to a really, really fertile January.  J is up in Washington until March. :( :( :(. I will see him about 1 weekend a month.  None of which coincide with fertile days.  However he is coming home for 10 days at New Years.  This happens to line up PERFECTLY with my fertile window.  I am focusing all my energies to be in tip top fertile shape my then.  

Of course given our history, I can't deny the doctors and RE's.  My OBGYN here in San Diego is ... Not so good.  I saw his PA for an appointment last month.  Even though I have a clear Luteal phase defect, she saw no point in testing my progesterone.  Oh, and Dr Sucky does IUIs, but only on Mondays & Thursdays.  Ugh, tardvision.  My plan is to use all angles to get finally get that BFP.  As part of this, I was hoping to get into the military treatment facility (MTF) here through Balboa so they could pay for, like, everything.  unfortunately, apparently here (unlike in WA where the waitlist was giant but we could have done it) they only deal with Tricare prime, not standard.  Why, oh why!  So we're screwed and will have to pay out of pocket.  Again.  The only good news is I had Dr. Sucky refer me to someone who is Tricare covered and he's an RE! Yay!  I see him Nov 8.  Hopefully he's really good and really creative and can offer some suggestions & solutions.  I'm currently checking out IVF clinics in the San Diego area.  There are sooo many!!  I have no idea how to choose one as they all boast pretty great stats.  Any pointers or recommendations would be GREAT!

I can't leave out all the wonderful efforts J is doing.  After hearing I take 13 pills a day (herbs + vitamin) he no longer complains about his fertilaid & count boost herbs.  A sailor's blood runs thick with coffee & caffeine, but my sailor has cut his down to less than a pot a day.  I know, its still is a ridiculous amount of coffee but considering how much he drank before, it's a win!  More veggies, more exercise, and slowly but surely I think I'll have him dairy-free in no time.  The part I'm most proud about?  Even though he thinks its witch doctor shit, he is going to visit my acupuncturist.  No questions asked.  His words: " babe, after seeing what you went through with shots and IVF and doctors and how dedicated you are now, I'll do whatever you want."  Its official, he gets the hubby of the year award.  <3

Alright folks.  This fertile turtle is signing off.  I'll leave you with my latest & greatest find: a yoga poem. (Warrior II, Virabhadrasana II)

" Here there is nothing to fight except willfulness.

Some lean too far in the past.

Others stretch way out into the future.

The true warrior stays in the moment, 

burning deeper into whatever comes,

And sometimes with even more difficulty,

What doesn't.  "

SUNSHINE!!

J and I had a fabulous road trip last week down the coast.  We stopped off at Crater Lake in Oregon which was breathtaking!  We also hiked across the San Andreas fault line, walked across the Golden Gate, drove down hwy 101 from Monterey the "Big Sur", sipped wine in Solvang, and finished off swimming with seals on Coronado beach.  Pure awesomeness!!

Currently we are still in our studio in Coronado but will upgrade to a 1 bedroom apartment in the same complex next weekend.  I am antsy to unpack!  The movers come sometime this week....  Tomorrow is my first day back to work in 10 months.  The thought of an alarm clock is giving me nightmares!!  Although I am Looking forward to the paycheck & a big fat savings account with which to pay for future petri dishes. ;)

This was our first cycle since IVF disappointment #2.  Once again, I was hoping we'd get lucky.  Once again, my dreams got crushed.  I thought I had a super short 19 day cycle.  Turns out I just had breakthrough bleeding as AF came with a vengeance middle of the night Saturday, flaring up my IBS and forcing me to reschedule a highly anticipated doctor appointment.  The next few months are going to be tricky TTC wise so I am focusing on general overall health instead.  Regular exercise, a healthy diet, yoga, acupuncture, and maaaaaybe a handful of crazy voodoo fertility tricks.  Pineapple core? Check.  Robitussin? Check.  Fertility smoothies & fertilaid?  Double check.  Anything else I'm missing that you lovely ladies recommend?  Bunk or not, I'm at the point I will try ANYTHING.

And now, to close with a bit of TTC humor. J and I joke about this all the time.  Sperms are a precious commodity, no waste allowed!!!! :) :)

New Game Plan

What a week.  I can't believe it has only been a week.  It feels like a lifetime has passed since last Sunday.  A long, horrible lifetime.  

The days have passed glacially slow.  Some mornings I wake up fine and go to bed crying.  Others I wake up sad and the whole day just sucks.  I feel guilty because I have been a super crappy wife.  J went from homemade lunches and over easy eggs n toast every morning to a power bar, a protein shake, a dirty smelly house & doing his own laundry.  We are both in sad shape, and I think part of it is he is sad and doesn't care about the house or food or any of that, either.  I did have a pretty good day Wednesday.  My super awesome sister got me a really nice "I'm sorry you got crappy news" gift and sent me to get a massage and body polish at my nearest Aveda salon.  Best two hours I've had in a long time!  I was treated to the 'stress-fix' package.  There was a minute where I felt like a fool as the poor massage therapist, in trying to find out what my 'ailments' were, brought me to tears.  Ugh.  

After that, J and I decided we needed to get the heck out of the house and had a fab weekend in Vancouver.  We did all the touristy stuff - hit Granville island, took a ferry to English Bay, walked around Yaletown, had dinner in Gastown, saw Canada Place & the Olympic torch.  We even took a horse buggy around Stanley Park & went up two ski lifts to a look out at the top of a wind mill on top of Grouse Mt.  It was incredible!

We got back last night and now the real work begins.  The movers are coming next Wednesday which means I best start packing.  I called my old boss & they made a per diem position in which to hire me back.  Yes, they created a opening for me. I guess if I suck at making babies, at least I can rule at life in the job sector.  Nursing degree, ftw.  I would have had no problem finding a job in San Diego, but I loved working at UCSD.  I like my co workers, they are a great team, and I know my pay will be off the hook.  I'm really looking forward to going back there and glad they are taking me back!  For once, I may work my share of overtime & become a call whore.  First day, September 18.  

Even though Bremerton sucks a big one, I'm not looking forward to leaving.  J and I will be apart until April when his ship will supposedly get back to San Diego.  I say 'supposedly' because The Nav likes to make plans change (see the USS Stennis' schedule the last 15 months.) To boot, we broke our lease and he is going to live on the ship.  Living on the ship is bad enough, but living on the ship while in the yards is equivalent to living in a construction zone.  Oh, and he will have no car....  I can not put into words how horrible J's life will be for the next 8 months.  

Back to WTF.  I met with Dr Kennedy Tuesday.  She is the most empathetic and resourceful doctor I have ever had.  She said everything with our cycle went as predicted and as the stats say they should have.  She wished we would have gotten more than 4 eggs with the 7 follies but that obv couldn't be helped.  She said if we did it again she would do it all exactly the same.  I'm hoping we won't need a "next time" but I suppose it is promising we found a protocol that worked well.  The only thing that ticked me off is she suggested we should move on to DE (donor egg). What?!!!  I'm young, I have good eggs, my labs are all fine, I just don't have the quantity to be as successfull as someone with two good ovaries who can pump out 25 eggs at once. Ugh!  I realize it will take us more tries simply because of quantity and percentages.  Math is math.  One frkn cycle fail is NOT enough to make me want to use a donor.  She said there wasn't a whole lot else we can do to increase our odds otherwise.  I asked her if there was a magic pill we could use in the mean time as we go back to "the normal way" of family building.  Vitamins, drugs, creams, magic dust, voodoo, tell me and I will do it!  I thought a progesterone supplement may help my LPD.  She suggested an HCG injection is the best.  So, I'm going to try that every month to supplement my natural LH surge which in turn helps support the egg and implantation.  The downside?  I have to track ovulation so as to give the injection at the right time.  This time, it's not nearly as time critical as it was with retrieval, but it has to be the same day.  I'm not exactly thrilled about using OPKs again.  I was looking forward to a TTC break.  It's also going to be really hard with me in Cali and Jeff in WA.  Not sure how we are going to work it yet.  I might just have ovidrel sitting in the fridge and if he happens to be around, great.  If not, meh.

Call me crazy, but I am also thinking about trying IUI (intrauterine insemination).  Since my eggs are fine & J's sperms are only mildly lazy, this would seem to be an o.k. (and cheaper!) option, right? Or am I not thinking clearly and being silly?   We skipped it originally because everyone was afraid I would run out of eggs tomorrow and IVF was obviously our best chance for success.  We will not be able to afford IVF again until at least next summer.  At 2% of the cost, I'm thinking IUI would be worth a try.  Realistically, we could try in a few months.  

I plan on hooking up with a new RE as soon as I get to California next week.  I'm hoping I can convince them IUI would be worth a shot.  There is a military treatment facility down at Balboa and I'm also thinking of going there... Since we know what works, all they have to do is prescribe the same protocol again & not f*ck it up.  Hopefully military healthcare can manage that.  

Last week I told myself I wasn't going to worry about life.  I am going to play blind & ignorant and am going to let TTC be for awhile.  This way I can relax and enjoy life a day at a time instead of a cycle at a time.  For some reason, I'm finding this hard to do.  If I know drinking a fancy smoothie and eating a bunch of pineapple core can help my cause for something we want so badly, how can I refuse to try it?  I wish I could go back to CD1.  368 357 days ago, before I knew about temping and OPKs, robitussin and Vitamin B12, preseed and babydust, softcups and suppositories and cervical fluid and trigger shots.  Sometimes, ignorance is bliss.  

Results are in!

EPIC FAIL

We got the phone call of doom.  Big, fat, HCG negative.  

I could tell as soon as " hi M, this is Heather, can you hear me alright?" was said.  Worst car ride ever.  We stopped at the grocery on the way home and picked up some recovery essentials: 3 Musketeers, ice cream bars, beers, and vanilla vodka.  I almost bought cigarettes, too.  I figured I might as well be as fetally unfriendly as I could be for one day!  I hate to admit this, but we burned the photo of the embryo.  I couldn't stand to see it on the fridge, staring at me, wondering what the heck went wrong.  

BTW, AF should have come yesterday.  For the first time ever, I'm late.  The bitch of it is I know I ain't preggy!  Our consolation prize for a failed cycle is my PERIOD!  What a cruel joke.  

I'm glad (as I'm sure so is J) that I can finally morph from evil bitch monster back to me.  I'm glad we just frkn know.  Not knowing was the worst!  I'm super sad because I was really looking forward to making J's life a living hell for the next 9 months.  Instead I get to eat sushi, drink beers, take excedrin for my headaches, and not eat my veggies.  Sounds like fun, except Im not looking forward to it.  I get to move back to Cali... Except that is a pretty shitty second place prize.  I wanted first prize, dammit!

I know what you're thinking... The answer is yes, we can still try "old skool." We have our WTF (why the fail) appointment tomorrow.  I'm hoping Dr K has some real good advice on what we can do to maximize our chances au natural.  It's probably not a whole lot and it would be pretty amazing to get lucky, I'm just not sure I want to go back to twice a day vitamins, temping, charting, and stressing every month.  Maybe I can be like a NORMAL person and take it Nike style and be surprised one day as I'm drinking my wine and wondering when the hell my last period was.  Sounds pretty luxurious.

Real luxurious.


Just for shits n giggles, I made J POAS last night.  I was hoping to share the pressure we women feel while POAS, plus I had more than a few extra tests. Pfffft.  He's not with child, either! Dang. 

Not yet ...

10dp3dt

I did not test this morning.  I decided to trust in the process and trust my body is doing everything it can.  Phrew!  So hard! J wants me to test and said he will not tell me the results.. Yeah, right!  Hahaha.  I thought about testing in the morning before my blood draw but that seems silly since we will know witout a doubt a few hours later.  Plus, we have a nice little day in Seattle planned and I want to enjoy my last few hours (of torture? ).  After that, life is changed one way or the other! 

If its good news, we get to start planning our trek back to San Diego!  Yippee!  If its bad news, I'll still go back to San Diego, just sooner.  Like, in 2 weeks.   ' be goin back to work!  Ya know, to pay off the mountain of debt we just incurred and then save up for the next round.   To put it in perspective, I realized we have spent just about as much on infertility as we did on our wedding.  Yikes.  

So tomorrow, I'm hoping for a beta of >20.  Realistically, anything over 0 means pregnant, but the higher the better.  Over 25 at 14 DPO is super fab.  If this happens, I'll go back in a few days to have it drawn again.  HCG should double at least every 72 hours.

Thank you guys from talking me down off the ledge!  I feel more at peace about the whole thing today.  I still feel really positive.  Everything else we had to get lined up--moving, leaving the shipyard, next orders- has worked out perfectly with the EDD of this cycle.  It HAS to work!  Everything else has!  

T minus 1,689 minutes.

Easier said than done.

Patience, n. 
A minor form of despair, disguised as a virtue.

Today I'm 9dp3dt (12 DPO) and still nothing.

I think what I'm seeing (as I saw it again today) is a shinier part of the test where the line would show up if it were positive.  Hence why it's not there when I open it, it's there when its wet, but gone again after it dries.  Although today, it's still there after dry time.  *shrug*  Weird, I know.  I never considered myself to have an eagle eye, but apparently when it comes to POAS, I do.

I know, I know.  Don't get discouraged.  It's early.  Have faith.  Blah blah blah and all that. I'm trying.  Pulling on an olive won't make it ripen faster.  I know.  Much easier said than done.  Patience is a bitter plant that bears sweet fruit.  So here I am, waiting on that fruit.  

A glimmer of (false?) hope

Moonlight is lighting up the inlet out back.  A pair of headlights drive past.  It's pitch black in the house.  I've been up since 3 having to pee.  Only crazy people pee on things on the middle of the night, so i held it.    An alarm sounds signaling 5am.  I race to turn it off and run to POAS.  The timer starts.  I lay back in bed but left the bathroom light on & the door open so my eyes could wake up and adjust to the light.  I can't have sleepy eyes while on the hunt for that elusive second line! 3 minutes pass, but I decide to let it soak 1 more minute.  Time for the verdict.  I went ahead and spent the big bucks on some FRERs.  I tilt the test this way.  I tilt it that way.  I move around to catch the light just right.  WHATTHEFUCKISTHAT!  

"babe, get outta bed and come look at this." 
There's a line.  It's soooo so so faint, but I see it, I SEE it!  J rolls outta bed, rubs his eyes, and comes to look.

"what?  Where?"
"there!"
"I'm half asleep, are you serious?  I see nahthing."
"it's right there!"

He goes back to sleep.  I rip open a fresh FRER to compare.  Nope, no fainter than faint line on a fresh one.  It's GOT to be real!  Cue internal freak out.  Usually the sunlight to help me scrutinize pee-sticks, but it's still dark.  I grab the iPad and try to snap a few pics.  Not enough light and the zoom sucks.  I try inverting the colors on a photo editing program, no luck, too faint.  Gahhhhh, I know I see it!  So I try to go back to sleep.  I have a little moment where I get really excited and think yesssss, it's not over yet, there's a possibility!!  

And then 630 a.m. rolls around.  The test has been sitting there for 1.5 hours, well outside the 10 minute validity readout window.  Yet J takes another look.  He says I was seeing things, he still sees no line.  I examine it again, and I see no second line either.  How can that be?  I could have sworn there was one there earlier!  Maybe I really am going crazy.... Maybe i am seeing lines in my sleep.  Oh em gee...  I've been wanting to pee on another one all day.  

On another note, today has been a pretty great day!
  1) its gone by fast.  Hallelujah.  
2) last night J was really sweet & loving & I didn't have to kill him or cry :)
3) i washed the jeep and scrubbed rims... Was feeling productive.  I even rubbed on the ragtop protector I haven't reapplied since we bought it, uhhh, 15 months ago. ha.
 4) mom&dad sent us flowers!  Big, beautiful, good smelling ones!  :).  <3
5) i got a surprise call from my nurse today!  I got really nervous when caller ID popped up as SRM....   Turns out she was just checking in to see how I was holding up and if I had any questions about anything.  They know it's a long two weeks (understatement of the year!) and wanted to give me some reassurance.  She also reconfirmed that yes, we will get same day results on Sunday.  Between 2-4pm usually.  So that makes it..... 4,324 minutes until we know without a doubt.

With that, I'm off to do whatever it is stay at home wifeys do in the afternoon.  I'm really hoping tomorrow's line is darker so I know I'm not going BONKERS!

7dp3dt

My boobs feel like they are getting piercings.  I can't readjust on the couch without doing a boob grab and readjusting "the girls" first.  My tummy hurts and my ut is cramping pretty good today.  If it's the progesterone doing this to me, you can bet your lucky stars I won't be taking it again unless absolutely necessary!  Does PIO do this same shit to you?   The suppositories are..... Messy.  I can't say I'd be overjoyed with more needles I'm the ass.  I guess I'll be thankful I don't have walnut sized knots on my cheeks.  But seriously?  No wonder we women are so witchy at the end of the month.  I'm convinced I must have lad low progesterone.  Either that or it's sky high now.  I have never felt so evil in my life.

Oh, and....I lied.

This morning, a big fat sowhiteitwouldglowinthedark negative.  I'm trying not to get too worked up about it.  It's still early, right?  RIGHT?

I have 10 hpts on the back of the John right now.  4 are digi's.  6 are blue dye (sent to me by the pharmacy or bought before I knew better.. Yes I've had them that long.  Sad, eh???).  Not sure if I use the blue dyes knowing they suck, or go buy some FRERs to bring on the disappointment.  I've been using internet cheapies until now.   

I wonder if normal people have this debate, too?  And really, who has a stock of 17 hpts in their house at one time?  Must be an infertile!

The Curse of the Evap

Whats that rule they say about an evap?

Oh yeah.... NEVER look at it!  ugh.

I'm blaming this one all on J.  My plan was to wait until tomorrow to test because I obviously am clairvoyant and knew it would be a squinter if anything showed up at all.  I am secure in my plan as I wake up this morning.  I'm having a great time watching the birds from my pillow when J, on the way to his shower, asks "babe, aren't you going to POAS??  I'm dying to know!"  Ohhhhh fine, if you're going to make me.   ;)

10 minutes pass and i am in the midst of examining when J arrives all clean.  "Is anything there?"  I'm at a crossroads... Is there a line?  Are my eyes playing tricks on me?  Is it just a reflection of the light?  I don't tell him I think I see something, but he affirms... " I think I see it... Right there..." and points.  Right where it is.  For a guy who has looked at mayyyybe 2 other tests, I have no choice but believe we BOTH can't be crazy.  *gets sort of excited*

Then we went wrong.  "is it lighter or darker than yesterday?"  he asks.  Yesterday's while fresh seemed pretty darn negative.  But then I dug it out to compare.... And I'm not sure....  Stupid stupid evap.  So now I'm between a rock & a hard place.... Do I go with my gut from yesterday/ today, or do I go with the evap readout?  And then... Could it possibly still be trigger???  Gahhhhhhh.   

To boot, my guts feel like AF is coming today.  Cramping, sore boobies, nausea, and pimples.  All of these can also be attributed as side-effects of the progesterone I'm taking twice a day.

I swear to god, I'm not testing again until Thursday.

5dp3dt

Today's test result: BFN!  Of course.  The good news is this means my trigger is out.  I'm planning on testing again wednesday, 7dp3dt.  Wish me luck!

I'm halfway through Game of Thrones.  This big fat book has been a great distraction.  Now that our cabin is back down to 2 people, I am grateful we had the entertainment of inlaws and teenagers for 3 weeks.  This week has been CRAWLING.

The games we play...

This is a really neat list I found eHere that explains what is happening in the ut day by day after a 3 day transfer.  (for a 5day transfer start at day 2 where the embryo is now a blastocyst).

1dpt ..embryo is growing and developing 
2dpt... Embryo is now a blastocyst 
3dpt....Blastocyst hatches out of shell on this day 
4dpt.. Blastocyst attaches to a site on the uterine lining 
5dpt.. Implantation begins as the blastocyst begins to bury in the lining 
6dpt.. Implantation process continues and morula buries deeper in the lining 
7dpt.. Morula is completely implanted in the lining and has placenta cells & fetal cells 
8dpt...Placenta cells begin to secret HCG in the blood 
9dpt...More HCG is produced as fetus develops 
10dpt...More HCG is produced as fetus develops 
11dpt...HCG levels are now high enough to be immediately detected on HPT

Of course the process can vary and be faster or slower. This is a good general timeline.  

Accordingly, I shouldn't get a positive test until at least Wednesday, 7dp3dt (translation: 7 days past 3 day transfer) also the equivalent of 10 DPO (days past ovulation).  This is the widely accepted norm as the earliest a BFP would or could appear.  However, the dreaded 2WW and symptom-meter is at an all time high and I can't help but log every single weird thing my body is doing.  I've taken 3 hpt's since Wednesday morning.  I could SWEAR today's was darker than the rest... Today i am 2dp3dt and I've just shown you this would be all but impossible.  Yet I keep having to go back and look to compare to be sure.  I haven't asked J to take a look.... I asked him to compare Wednesday to Thursday and he said " oh def, Thursday's line is much lighter!". I had to point out to him I meant the test line, not the control line ;). Ya know, the line that's barely there and you have to squint to see?  Yeah, that line.  He would definitely tell me to lay off the crazy pills if I asked him to squint and compare the three.  

If you aren't yet TTC and haven't experienced a 2 week wait, girl, you are in for a treat!  If you are or have TTC then you know what I'm talking about when I say it is pure MADNESS!!  I'd like to think I know my body pretty well.  I know when I'm getting a migraine the second it starts, I can tell the difference between AF cramps and ovulation cramps.  Then comes along the "two week wait" and suddenly I start to second guess my 27 years of body-education and every twinge  becomes a pregnancy symptom.  It's so annoying!  My boobies are more sore than usual... Is it the progesterone or am I pregnant?  I think I felt a little twinge!  Implantation?  I'm feeling excessively bloated; was it the beans I ate yesterday or could it be...?  I feel a bit nauseous this morning, is it the antibiotics or a little embryo?  What about the coffee?  It didn't smell that strongly yesterday!  Maybe my sense of smell is getting more heightened!  

Yesterday was I was so off, I just had to laugh at myself.  I just started reading Game of Thrones (great book, btw, I'm hooked!) and had been reading in my lounge chair outside for a few hours.  Out of no where i start getting these intense cramps, the biggest I've had since I started stims.  Not quite AF cramps, different... Like deep in my belly.  Of course you can guess what my first thought was.  I got so excited!  Maybe this was it!  My friends tell me their only "symptom" was mild cramping and this is what I'm experiencing!  10 minutes go by and then I realize uh oh, I need an emergency bathroom pitstop.  Turns out my cramps weren't embryo related at all.  Just revenge of the DragonFire pizza I had the night before complete with spicy sauce, pepperoni and loads of jalapeños.  I'm telling you, the 2ww is torture!

Another thing someone pointed out to me is that maybe my twin dream was, in fact, correct and that even though we transferred only one embryo the possibility exists that it will split into two, identical twin fetuses.  Hmmm... I suppose.  I researched that normally identical twins occur at a rate of 0.25%.  The percentage rises to somewhere between 2-9% with IVF.  While still a very rare occurrence, I can't deny the possibility exists.  Cool.  Another thing to obsess and wonder about.  In order to keep myself in check and tone down the obsessing indent thinkmill take another hot until Monday.  I'm hoping the trigger will be out of my system and I can quit the "omg, is it darker?!" questioning for a few days until a BFP is more realistic.

The thing I do know for certain, fate will be determined in 8 days by my blood HCG draw.  August 19, hurry up!

The Little Embryo That Could

I started this morning off a little different than usual.  Patient's must have a full bladder prior to transfer to aid in the visualization via ultrasound.  I have a bladder the size of a walnut and was not looking forward to this part of the IVF process.  My alarm went off at 0800 and I proceeded to drink 32 ounces of non-caffeinated, non-carbonated beverage.  (This doesn't sound like a lot, but YOU try it.)  I take a shower, but neither of us can wear anything scented i.e. lotion, perfume, or deodorant.  Just au natural, baby!   We hop in the car at 0915 and I try to find a delicate balance between finishing my 32 ounces and not having to pee every 10 minutes during this 90 minute drive to the surgery center.  We pull into a lovely McDonalds at 10am which is to be my last pee stop before GO time.  This is where it got fun.  I'm already entirely full of water, but must drink 28 more ounces before 1030.  You know how if you drink too much too fast after exercise or when it's really hot and you can feel your stomach sloshing around?  That's what I felt like.  Like my guts were floating.  Traffic in Seattle was horrendous today so we pulled up right at 1045.  I couldn't sit comfortably, so I walked around the waiting room impatient and nervous.  1100 comes around and we are taken back to a darkened exam room.  J has to leave his coffee behind - the smell will disturb the lil embie!  Inside is a fancy stirrup table with a huge ultrasound machine, a window that looks like it belongs at the McD's drive-through, and a small t.v. screen up on the wall.  First, we talk with the embryologist.  She was a super nice lady.  She gives us the schpeel, we sign the consent papers, and she tells us that our little embryo is a beautiful, "good" grade 10 cell!  On day 3 (which is today for me), they like to see embryos at 6-8 cells, so we are above the wicket, YESSSS!!!  She hands us the first picture of our little embryo.  Talk about cool!!  People think the fancy ultrasound pics they post on Facebook are the shiznizzle, wait til they get a load of THIS.  Next, an ultrasound tech comes in to make sure my bladder is full enough for action.  I tell her that I KNOW its full enough but she checks anyways.  Low and behold, its too full. ugh!  I have to try and pee out about 100cc into a paper cup...  Kegels, anyone?  Apparently I must have some adhesions from my other surgeries and these make my uterus rise higher than normal with a full bladder making it tough to see.  Anyways, I figured it out and now she can see perfectly.  Next, Doc comes in and they do another trial transfer.  They make sure the catheter goes in easily, they can see everything they need to see via ultrasound, and that everyone is ready for the handoff.  Then, the tv screen in front of us they switch over from the ultrasound to the camera in the back.  We can literally see the microscope on tv!  They show the label on the dish, the tech and doc check my armband to make sure I'm getting the correct embryo transferred, and then we watch wide-eyed as the embryo gets sucked up into a little tiny catheter.  The embryologist passes it off through the drive-through window to the doc who then puts the catheter into my uterus.  They measure and look and measure again to make sure it's exactly as deep as they want before they deploy the catheter and little embie is inside.  Then they check the catheter to make sure its empty and little embie is, in fact, safe & sound in the ut.  I laid there for my mandatory 15 minute resting period and off we went, back to home!  I gotta tell ya, I am kind of a sciency geek, but seeing this was SO. FRKN. COOL. 

Our transfer couldn't have gone better.  Though we were hoping twins would be in the future, I am super happy with the high quality singleton we have!  I am to be on modified bedrest for 48 hours and then light duty for 2 weeks.  Like I said, I was too scared to POAS before my blood draw, but J talked me into it.  I took one this morning and it is still lightly positive.  We shall see what happens the next few days!  By my calculation, the trigger should be gone by Sunday...  My official quantitative HCG is schedule for Sunday, August 19.  10 days away.  Eeeeeek!

My poor tummy after 68 injections.  This is after the purple has faded a bit.

Before retrieval, feeling nervous!

After Retrieval... I have no recollection of this being taken!

Transfer:  The setup

Transfer: The Drive-Through

Our little 10 cell embryo!

" Grow embie, grow embie, GROW!  "