In gearing up for the fam to arrive and craziness fixing to start, I figured now would be a good time for an update! I have been taking my estrogen pills and ganirelix injections. No complaints there. I had a real fear I wouldn't get to take either because of my nonexistent LP but here we are, 10 DPO and going strong! Right on track with the calendar; a huge, HUGE reassurance. I have a few minor bruises but nothing compared to what I'm sure is coming with 450iu of Follistim. I learned a little trick to ice my belly before injecting to dull the pain a tad, works great! I'm not near as hesitant to stick my fat (otherwise I'd stand there with my "inch" pinched for 30 seconds and have a 1, 2, 3 attitude). It is hard to stick yourself when you know the poke is coming. My suppression check should be early next week and if all is well, stims will begin by late next week! I am super excited for this time around. I am still very scared IVF might not work again, but so many positive things have happened and are happening, I just can't help but be positive.
For instance:
- it was a little more than 7 months ago I met with Dr Z when he told me to check into IVF stat. He said with a little luck we'd be holding baby M by next May. At the time I though, "May?!? Ef that, I want it in 10 months! now!". And wouldn'tcha know it, EDD with this cycle will be right around April 30.
- We were also hoping to get lucky on our Maui vacay, our last ditch TTC effort before spending the big bucks! Our hotel concierge was very excited for a Maui Baby and let us know it. Of course it is just coincidence, but where we're we April 30th this year? You guessed it! While not quite a "Maui baby," still pretty cool.
The eggs have def been getting lots of love and I'm am all but convinced that makes a difference. With all my yoga, imagery, and mantra-ing, my chakra has got to be centered by now! I've also been a baby book and article reading ho! Yesterday I took "What to Expect When You're Expecting" to read for entertainment while the oil was being changed in the jeep. ;) A few months ago I was too afraid to read any pregnancy or baby related articles as I didn't want to 'get ahead of myself.' I thought the disappointment would be worse if I was all prepared to not eat sushi and had the crib already picked out. Unfortunately I found out disappointment really sucks whether I was educated or not. With the power of positive influence on my brain, I have to say I have really enjoyed eyeballing maternity fashion and getting smart about all things baby. Even J has taken a stroll or two through the baby section in the store checking out the goods... Awwww. I started using green cleaners and making a lot of my own. I started lifting light weights(affectionately known as my "granny weights"), ya know, cuz babies and carriers and diaper bags are heavy! We've also started eating a bunch more veggies and *pout* less cheese. I've all but given up wine and even J has put down the beers for now. We've taken proactive, super healthy and smart steps to make Round 2 as successful as we can stand it to be. I'm feeling good. J's feeling good. Hopefully those eggies are feeling great!
We have exactly 47 hours until the house occupancy is tripled. Today I think I'm going to watch the birds, watch the squirrels mess with the birds & my bird feeders, and enjoy the silence. It's going to be a long, exciting, emotionally charged three weeks!
Showing posts with label Antagonist protocol. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Antagonist protocol. Show all posts
20 July, 2012
03 June, 2012
The Next Day
Saturday, June 2, was actually a pretty fair day, considering all that happened yesterday. I went to bed with the biggest headache in the world, and despite excedrin migraine, lots of water, and my sleep mask, I still wake up to pounding. I wake up feeling like it must be 10:00.... It's 630. I can't sleep so start my Googling again. I find all sorts of things that worked for other poor responders... Lupron for 3-5 days while on BCP, no suppression before IVF start, estrogen priming, Higher dose of menopur, stimming for more days, Micro dose Lupron flare protocol..... This is all gibberish to me, but the plus side is that there are options!
I am still devastated, but feel like I have to go back to my usual, positive self. It's still hard to walk past my box of drugs or see the follistim sitting where the eggs should be in the fridge. I also have two bright purple quarter sized bruises on my belly, an ugly reminder of what those injections didn't produce. Yesterday was my chance to feel sorry for myself and be upset so today I'm ready to start fixing it. I read that unfortunately, there probably was nothing I could or couldn't do to keep the cycle from failing. J and I talk more about what we are going to do. We both agree everything will work out how it's supposed to... Everything happens for a reason... After all, it has for us up until this point! It's so hard to take the disappointment, but I have to believe it will work out in the end.
I decide I'm going to start temping again starting tomorrow. I want to know if I'm going to ovulate these 2 follicles, or if I'm in for a 50 day cycle like last July when I went off contraception. Then again, maybe J and I will get lucky with one of these follicles! I doubt it, but we have the opportunity for 1 more month of fun.
I am not ready to talk adoption or donor egg. I have eggs, I ovulate on my own, I had an Antral follicle count of 9, my AMH is just above 1(low, but not awful) .... My CD 3 labs were checked on my regular cycles, my FSH was 6, estrogen at 48, which are both well within normal range. We just have to figure out how to get those eggies to grow! Even though my egg supply is tiny, my eggs are still young. Hopefully this is good news for fertilization and implantation.... If we ever get that far.
Oh, we took out the fishing poles. No fish, but we caught some crabs! I haven't fished in a long time, but it is a great way to make time pass faster and very, very relaxing. I can see myself doing it a lot the next few weeks.
I am still devastated, but feel like I have to go back to my usual, positive self. It's still hard to walk past my box of drugs or see the follistim sitting where the eggs should be in the fridge. I also have two bright purple quarter sized bruises on my belly, an ugly reminder of what those injections didn't produce. Yesterday was my chance to feel sorry for myself and be upset so today I'm ready to start fixing it. I read that unfortunately, there probably was nothing I could or couldn't do to keep the cycle from failing. J and I talk more about what we are going to do. We both agree everything will work out how it's supposed to... Everything happens for a reason... After all, it has for us up until this point! It's so hard to take the disappointment, but I have to believe it will work out in the end.
I decide I'm going to start temping again starting tomorrow. I want to know if I'm going to ovulate these 2 follicles, or if I'm in for a 50 day cycle like last July when I went off contraception. Then again, maybe J and I will get lucky with one of these follicles! I doubt it, but we have the opportunity for 1 more month of fun.
I am not ready to talk adoption or donor egg. I have eggs, I ovulate on my own, I had an Antral follicle count of 9, my AMH is just above 1(low, but not awful) .... My CD 3 labs were checked on my regular cycles, my FSH was 6, estrogen at 48, which are both well within normal range. We just have to figure out how to get those eggies to grow! Even though my egg supply is tiny, my eggs are still young. Hopefully this is good news for fertilization and implantation.... If we ever get that far.
Oh, we took out the fishing poles. No fish, but we caught some crabs! I haven't fished in a long time, but it is a great way to make time pass faster and very, very relaxing. I can see myself doing it a lot the next few weeks.
Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day
Reason #1 Friday, June 1 was awful: I'm an operating room nurse in Level I trauma centers. As such, we often deal with trauma in the OR, including gunshots. I got a call from a detective across the country where I used to work informing me that I was involved with a homicide victim. Because I was the one who sealed the bullet in the envelope before it was handed over to authorities, they want to fly me out the end of this month to testify and he is sending my subpoena ASAP. With all I've got going on medically, I wanted to slap this detective through the phone line. Added undue stress = not good.
Why Friday, June 1 was terrible, horrible, no good, and very, very, very bad:
8:40 AM, I had my Day 7 ultrasound and blood work. Performed by a very educated and professional physician. He saw 2 follicles, both measuring less than 10mm. My uterine lining measured 3.3mm. What all this means, he tells me? Its not looking good. My body is basically sleeping, I am not responding to the stimulation injections. He is going to consult with my usual RE but most likely my IVF cycle is going to be cancelled because I am far from producing what they expect/ed. My appointment for tomorrow's scan is cancelled. After they get my bloodwork back, I can expect a call from the nurse later today instructing me as to my next step. I leave the office and almost make it to the elevator before bursting into tears. I sit in my jeep thankful for the travel pack of Kleenex in my glovebox. I can't call J, he's about to give a big speech in 30 minutes and I want him to rock it out, not be distracted. I think about calling my mom, but all I'd do is blubber on the phone. After 20 minutes I decide I'd better just get home and pick up J.
In the parking lot on base I have 30 minutes before J is done with his speech & ceremony. So much is running through my brain. "Why?... I won't be pregnant next week.... I knew this was going to happen.... What do we do next?... I know I have eggs, where'd they go?...". I research acupuncture on my phone and make an appointment for Monday at a local place. I research "poor responders to IVF" and "over suppression with oral contraceptives before IVF.". J hops in the car, asks how it went, and I don't get one word out, just tears. I give him the rundown. We're both silent. I decide I still want to get my military ID renewed today (it's a pain, and since he's done with work, we might as well.) I get a nice picture of myself with puffy eyes on an ID card I have to carry around for the next 4 years. Perfect.
We run to Fred Meyer to get a few groceries and things for the weekend. I see a lady rocking her newborn in the furniture section and run to sporting goods before I make a scene. J is an avid fisherman so we get what he calls "the basics." I thought that was a pole, a bobber, and a worm, but I am wrong. I decide to get a pink UglyStik, a good choice, he says. Shopping is a nice distraction. J is in his whites so a very nice gentlemen buys our coffees and he gets a lot of gratitude about his service.
We get home, and between the hormones I've been injecting and the heartbreak, I am a waterfall of emotion. I make lunch, but can't eat. After an hour, J sets me up a chair and book down by the water. He spends the afternoon hauling buckets of rocks and shell to make our trail to the water safe. I read, but am attached to my phone, waiting for my nurse to call. At 3:00, my phone rings. It's my doctor, not a nurse... Ruh roh. She says my estrogen actually went down. At this point in the game, it should be between 150 - 500. Mine is less than 40. I am to stop all injections and meds except my vitamin. Basically now it's a waiting game for my menses to come spontaneously before we can do anything else. She says she is surprised because I was on one of their strongest protocols, but says we have options. We make an appointment for June 11 to discuss what our next step will be. J and I build a fire, open some wine, and I proceed to cry the entire rest of the day. At 9:15, 12+ hours later, I finally run out of tears to cry.
Why Friday, June 1 was terrible, horrible, no good, and very, very, very bad:
8:40 AM, I had my Day 7 ultrasound and blood work. Performed by a very educated and professional physician. He saw 2 follicles, both measuring less than 10mm. My uterine lining measured 3.3mm. What all this means, he tells me? Its not looking good. My body is basically sleeping, I am not responding to the stimulation injections. He is going to consult with my usual RE but most likely my IVF cycle is going to be cancelled because I am far from producing what they expect/ed. My appointment for tomorrow's scan is cancelled. After they get my bloodwork back, I can expect a call from the nurse later today instructing me as to my next step. I leave the office and almost make it to the elevator before bursting into tears. I sit in my jeep thankful for the travel pack of Kleenex in my glovebox. I can't call J, he's about to give a big speech in 30 minutes and I want him to rock it out, not be distracted. I think about calling my mom, but all I'd do is blubber on the phone. After 20 minutes I decide I'd better just get home and pick up J.
In the parking lot on base I have 30 minutes before J is done with his speech & ceremony. So much is running through my brain. "Why?... I won't be pregnant next week.... I knew this was going to happen.... What do we do next?... I know I have eggs, where'd they go?...". I research acupuncture on my phone and make an appointment for Monday at a local place. I research "poor responders to IVF" and "over suppression with oral contraceptives before IVF.". J hops in the car, asks how it went, and I don't get one word out, just tears. I give him the rundown. We're both silent. I decide I still want to get my military ID renewed today (it's a pain, and since he's done with work, we might as well.) I get a nice picture of myself with puffy eyes on an ID card I have to carry around for the next 4 years. Perfect.
We run to Fred Meyer to get a few groceries and things for the weekend. I see a lady rocking her newborn in the furniture section and run to sporting goods before I make a scene. J is an avid fisherman so we get what he calls "the basics." I thought that was a pole, a bobber, and a worm, but I am wrong. I decide to get a pink UglyStik, a good choice, he says. Shopping is a nice distraction. J is in his whites so a very nice gentlemen buys our coffees and he gets a lot of gratitude about his service.
We get home, and between the hormones I've been injecting and the heartbreak, I am a waterfall of emotion. I make lunch, but can't eat. After an hour, J sets me up a chair and book down by the water. He spends the afternoon hauling buckets of rocks and shell to make our trail to the water safe. I read, but am attached to my phone, waiting for my nurse to call. At 3:00, my phone rings. It's my doctor, not a nurse... Ruh roh. She says my estrogen actually went down. At this point in the game, it should be between 150 - 500. Mine is less than 40. I am to stop all injections and meds except my vitamin. Basically now it's a waiting game for my menses to come spontaneously before we can do anything else. She says she is surprised because I was on one of their strongest protocols, but says we have options. We make an appointment for June 11 to discuss what our next step will be. J and I build a fire, open some wine, and I proceed to cry the entire rest of the day. At 9:15, 12+ hours later, I finally run out of tears to cry.
31 May, 2012
Stims Day 5 check-up
May 30: I went this morning for my first ultrasound since I've started the stim injections. Once again, the nurse has a hard time finding my ovary and getting an accurate follicle count. She actually didn't even tell me how many follicles she saw, but typed in the computer 5... I was all prepared with pen & paper in hand to write down measurements, but she said they are all still too small to be measured. This makes me a lil nervous since next week is supposed to be retrieval! I'm very scared, but trying to reassure myself that worrying won't do anything but hurt the process.
The nurses at the office called a few hours later to tell me my estradiol is at 45.5 which is low, but since my follicles are so small they wouldn't expect it to be much higher. I am instructed to keep menopur the same but increase my Follistim from 300IU to 375 for the next two days. Also, instead of going Saturday, they want to see me back Friday for more blood and another u/s. This time they are going to have a physician do my scan to make sure it's as accurate as it can be. I take some deep breathes and remind myself there is no problem; this is why they monitor me so closely, to make sure everything looks fabulous. I am very, very happy that they took the initiative to have a doc do my next scan. As a patient, it makes me feel really good that these medical workers are doing the best they can do to help us get a positive outcome. I'm sure they want good results as much as we do! After all, for the $$ we pay, and to keep their success rate high, they should. ;)
This evening I give J the doc report. He can tell I'm stressing, and between that and the hormones I can't help but bawl. I feel crazy, but he says "granny always said you'd feel better if you just let it out." He's such a great man. I am thankful for him & his mom raising him like she did. Since J will be responsible for giving me the HCG trigger shot in the bum, or money shot as I like to call it, I want him to practice. He is deathly afraid of needles and can barely watch me inject myself; hence why I want him to warm up a lil bit. I draw everything up, give him the overview again and lo & behold, he rocks it out! Didn't even flinch. What a rockstar!
With 5 days of injections under my belt, I'm feeling pretty good. I only have 2 bruises, which I think might be because they were higher on my belly than the other injection sites. I haven't gotten too cranky or overly emotional yet, and besides feeling a little more bloated than usual, I feel mostly normal.
The nurses at the office called a few hours later to tell me my estradiol is at 45.5 which is low, but since my follicles are so small they wouldn't expect it to be much higher. I am instructed to keep menopur the same but increase my Follistim from 300IU to 375 for the next two days. Also, instead of going Saturday, they want to see me back Friday for more blood and another u/s. This time they are going to have a physician do my scan to make sure it's as accurate as it can be. I take some deep breathes and remind myself there is no problem; this is why they monitor me so closely, to make sure everything looks fabulous. I am very, very happy that they took the initiative to have a doc do my next scan. As a patient, it makes me feel really good that these medical workers are doing the best they can do to help us get a positive outcome. I'm sure they want good results as much as we do! After all, for the $$ we pay, and to keep their success rate high, they should. ;)
This evening I give J the doc report. He can tell I'm stressing, and between that and the hormones I can't help but bawl. I feel crazy, but he says "granny always said you'd feel better if you just let it out." He's such a great man. I am thankful for him & his mom raising him like she did. Since J will be responsible for giving me the HCG trigger shot in the bum, or money shot as I like to call it, I want him to practice. He is deathly afraid of needles and can barely watch me inject myself; hence why I want him to warm up a lil bit. I draw everything up, give him the overview again and lo & behold, he rocks it out! Didn't even flinch. What a rockstar!
With 5 days of injections under my belt, I'm feeling pretty good. I only have 2 bruises, which I think might be because they were higher on my belly than the other injection sites. I haven't gotten too cranky or overly emotional yet, and besides feeling a little more bloated than usual, I feel mostly normal.
30 May, 2012
4/20, a big day! And a summary to catch up to 5/28 :)
April 20 I took my first birth control pill. This means we are no longer TTC and are officially on the road to IVF. Woot woot! It is strange to be on BCP because it seems backwards from the goal... The contraceptive suppress your body's system and lets all the antral follicles get on the same "schedule." Antral follicles are what grow up to become the eggs that are ovulated each month. We start off with a fairly large number of follicles (say 4-12), and the one that responds the best to hormones is the one that matures and is ovulated, the rest die. In IVF, the goal is to mature and capture ALL the antral follicles.
Some people call them "test tube" or "Petrie dish" babies. The woman takes injections of hormones to grow eggs. The eggs are retrieved surgically and mixed with sperms in a Petrie dish. After 3-5 days of incubation, fertilized eggs, now embryos are put into the uterus. If you aren't familiar with IVF and want a rundown, here ya go.
April 24: I went in for my Antral follicle count ultrasound (u/s) and trial transfer. The nurse counted 9 little follicles! I am super ecstatic. Supposedly 6 or more gives you a pretty good success rate. The more you have, the more they can retrieve, fertilize, grow, and transfer back as little embryos. I was SO afraid I was going to have like... One. When she said 9, I just about cried tears of joy! The trial transfer was a little tricky and uncomfortable, but overall not too bad.
May 8: The day of truth. Our consent visit. J and I ask any last minute questions. We are described again in detail the process, then we sign away our lives and the future lives of our embryos. The great part about this visit: we got our calendar!! It tells us when to start stim injections, our tentative retrieval and transfer dates, and most important, the date of the HCG blood draw to tell if I'm pregnant or not. Holy crackers!!! IM SO EXCITED!
May 11: The shipment of drugs arrived. Wowza, I'm surprised at it all! Until I figure out how to get iPad pics on here, you're outta luck.. But in this case, the picture really does speak 1,000 words.... Or maybe 3,800 words. Hahaha. I am also pleasantly surprised to find out I don't have to do progesterone in oil injections, I get suppositories instead. This means I'm a pin cushion for only 2-3 weeks and not 12-13. Yippee!
May 21-23: We were in Virginia for the weekend and get stuck an extra two days. Two €€*%#&$ days at an "international" airport... UUURRRRGGGHHH I am beyond irritated. I cry in the airport; not because J is missing work or because I have no luggage, but because my suppression check is supposed to be Tuesday and I'm scared this shit is going to mess up my cycle. I also find out my nurse no longer works with SRM so now I don't know who to call. I end up rescheduling my suppression check twice and settle on Thursday morning. The head of nursing is managing my care now and reassures me that as long as everything looks o.k., we'll still be good start stims on Saturday. Hallelujah.
May 24: Suppression check. My uterine lining is measuring a perfect 4.1mm ( they like to see less than 5mm). The nurse practitioner doing the u/s has a hard time finding my ovary so calls in a doc to help her out. After a little digging and a extra hand to push it down, they count 7 antral follicles. While less than I was hoping for, I'm still happy with 7. After all, all it takes is 1! They also do a short pre-op questionnaire since I will be under anesthesia for egg retrieval. I get the official go ahead to start stims in 2 days. Before leaving, I write the biggest check I've ever written and leave feeling pretty good and in disbelief that it's starting!
May 26: Ready, set, inject!! I'm so nervous but excited the day is finally here! J isn't at home (he's CDO on the ship) so I was a little sad he missed this epic moment, but since he hates needles he wasn't exactly disappointed to miss the occasion. Lol. I was so nervous to do it and felt really silly. I re-read the info sheets for the thousandth time, and triple checked the meds and dosage. Guess that's the nurse in me :). If I were at work giving these drugs to someone else, it'd probably take me 5 minutes or less. I was so nervous to get it right, I managed to drag it out for 25. Sheesh. I have two injections, follistim and menopur. Follistim is easy and comes in a little pen device. Menopur I have to mix and unfortunately it burnsss! Nevertheless, we are one day closer, and I am freaking out! It's so weird to think in could be preg in 2 weeks!!~~!!
May 28: J and I had to drive all the way to Seattle to get my blood drawn this morning. My usual office in Tacoma is closed for the holiday. 3 hours in the car for less than 10 minutes at the office. I'm not complaining, it's worth it! I think J feels a little guilty having to watch me poke myself for these injections. He was feeling like absolute poo this morning but wanted to show his dedication to me and the process and came anyways. Poor kid was barfing the whole way there. Guess he really does love me and wants this as bad as I do ! :) :). The nurses called a few hours later to tell me everything looks good and to keep doing what I'm doing. Roger.
Some people call them "test tube" or "Petrie dish" babies. The woman takes injections of hormones to grow eggs. The eggs are retrieved surgically and mixed with sperms in a Petrie dish. After 3-5 days of incubation, fertilized eggs, now embryos are put into the uterus. If you aren't familiar with IVF and want a rundown, here ya go.
April 24: I went in for my Antral follicle count ultrasound (u/s) and trial transfer. The nurse counted 9 little follicles! I am super ecstatic. Supposedly 6 or more gives you a pretty good success rate. The more you have, the more they can retrieve, fertilize, grow, and transfer back as little embryos. I was SO afraid I was going to have like... One. When she said 9, I just about cried tears of joy! The trial transfer was a little tricky and uncomfortable, but overall not too bad.
May 8: The day of truth. Our consent visit. J and I ask any last minute questions. We are described again in detail the process, then we sign away our lives and the future lives of our embryos. The great part about this visit: we got our calendar!! It tells us when to start stim injections, our tentative retrieval and transfer dates, and most important, the date of the HCG blood draw to tell if I'm pregnant or not. Holy crackers!!! IM SO EXCITED!
May 11: The shipment of drugs arrived. Wowza, I'm surprised at it all! Until I figure out how to get iPad pics on here, you're outta luck.. But in this case, the picture really does speak 1,000 words.... Or maybe 3,800 words. Hahaha. I am also pleasantly surprised to find out I don't have to do progesterone in oil injections, I get suppositories instead. This means I'm a pin cushion for only 2-3 weeks and not 12-13. Yippee!
May 24: Suppression check. My uterine lining is measuring a perfect 4.1mm ( they like to see less than 5mm). The nurse practitioner doing the u/s has a hard time finding my ovary so calls in a doc to help her out. After a little digging and a extra hand to push it down, they count 7 antral follicles. While less than I was hoping for, I'm still happy with 7. After all, all it takes is 1! They also do a short pre-op questionnaire since I will be under anesthesia for egg retrieval. I get the official go ahead to start stims in 2 days. Before leaving, I write the biggest check I've ever written and leave feeling pretty good and in disbelief that it's starting!
May 26: Ready, set, inject!! I'm so nervous but excited the day is finally here! J isn't at home (he's CDO on the ship) so I was a little sad he missed this epic moment, but since he hates needles he wasn't exactly disappointed to miss the occasion. Lol. I was so nervous to do it and felt really silly. I re-read the info sheets for the thousandth time, and triple checked the meds and dosage. Guess that's the nurse in me :). If I were at work giving these drugs to someone else, it'd probably take me 5 minutes or less. I was so nervous to get it right, I managed to drag it out for 25. Sheesh. I have two injections, follistim and menopur. Follistim is easy and comes in a little pen device. Menopur I have to mix and unfortunately it burnsss! Nevertheless, we are one day closer, and I am freaking out! It's so weird to think in could be preg in 2 weeks!!~~!!
May 28: J and I had to drive all the way to Seattle to get my blood drawn this morning. My usual office in Tacoma is closed for the holiday. 3 hours in the car for less than 10 minutes at the office. I'm not complaining, it's worth it! I think J feels a little guilty having to watch me poke myself for these injections. He was feeling like absolute poo this morning but wanted to show his dedication to me and the process and came anyways. Poor kid was barfing the whole way there. Guess he really does love me and wants this as bad as I do ! :) :). The nurses called a few hours later to tell me everything looks good and to keep doing what I'm doing. Roger.
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