Reason #1 Friday, June 1 was awful: I'm an operating room nurse in Level I trauma centers. As such, we often deal with trauma in the OR, including gunshots. I got a call from a detective across the country where I used to work informing me that I was involved with a homicide victim. Because I was the one who sealed the bullet in the envelope before it was handed over to authorities, they want to fly me out the end of this month to testify and he is sending my subpoena ASAP. With all I've got going on medically, I wanted to slap this detective through the phone line. Added undue stress = not good.
Why Friday, June 1 was terrible, horrible, no good, and very, very, very bad:
8:40 AM, I had my Day 7 ultrasound and blood work. Performed by a very educated and professional physician. He saw 2 follicles, both measuring less than 10mm. My uterine lining measured 3.3mm. What all this means, he tells me? Its not looking good. My body is basically sleeping, I am not responding to the stimulation injections. He is going to consult with my usual RE but most likely my IVF cycle is going to be cancelled because I am far from producing what they expect/ed. My appointment for tomorrow's scan is cancelled. After they get my bloodwork back, I can expect a call from the nurse later today instructing me as to my next step. I leave the office and almost make it to the elevator before bursting into tears. I sit in my jeep thankful for the travel pack of Kleenex in my glovebox. I can't call J, he's about to give a big speech in 30 minutes and I want him to rock it out, not be distracted. I think about calling my mom, but all I'd do is blubber on the phone. After 20 minutes I decide I'd better just get home and pick up J.
In the parking lot on base I have 30 minutes before J is done with his speech & ceremony. So much is running through my brain. "Why?... I won't be pregnant next week.... I knew this was going to happen.... What do we do next?... I know I have eggs, where'd they go?...". I research acupuncture on my phone and make an appointment for Monday at a local place. I research "poor responders to IVF" and "over suppression with oral contraceptives before IVF.". J hops in the car, asks how it went, and I don't get one word out, just tears. I give him the rundown. We're both silent. I decide I still want to get my military ID renewed today (it's a pain, and since he's done with work, we might as well.) I get a nice picture of myself with puffy eyes on an ID card I have to carry around for the next 4 years. Perfect.
We run to Fred Meyer to get a few groceries and things for the weekend. I see a lady rocking her newborn in the furniture section and run to sporting goods before I make a scene. J is an avid fisherman so we get what he calls "the basics." I thought that was a pole, a bobber, and a worm, but I am wrong. I decide to get a pink UglyStik, a good choice, he says. Shopping is a nice distraction. J is in his whites so a very nice gentlemen buys our coffees and he gets a lot of gratitude about his service.
We get home, and between the hormones I've been injecting and the heartbreak, I am a waterfall of emotion. I make lunch, but can't eat. After an hour, J sets me up a chair and book down by the water. He spends the afternoon hauling buckets of rocks and shell to make our trail to the water safe. I read, but am attached to my phone, waiting for my nurse to call. At 3:00, my phone rings. It's my doctor, not a nurse... Ruh roh. She says my estrogen actually went down. At this point in the game, it should be between 150 - 500. Mine is less than 40. I am to stop all injections and meds except my vitamin. Basically now it's a waiting game for my menses to come spontaneously before we can do anything else. She says she is surprised because I was on one of their strongest protocols, but says we have options. We make an appointment for June 11 to discuss what our next step will be. J and I build a fire, open some wine, and I proceed to cry the entire rest of the day. At 9:15, 12+ hours later, I finally run out of tears to cry.
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