Not yet ...

10dp3dt

I did not test this morning.  I decided to trust in the process and trust my body is doing everything it can.  Phrew!  So hard! J wants me to test and said he will not tell me the results.. Yeah, right!  Hahaha.  I thought about testing in the morning before my blood draw but that seems silly since we will know witout a doubt a few hours later.  Plus, we have a nice little day in Seattle planned and I want to enjoy my last few hours (of torture? ).  After that, life is changed one way or the other! 

If its good news, we get to start planning our trek back to San Diego!  Yippee!  If its bad news, I'll still go back to San Diego, just sooner.  Like, in 2 weeks.   ' be goin back to work!  Ya know, to pay off the mountain of debt we just incurred and then save up for the next round.   To put it in perspective, I realized we have spent just about as much on infertility as we did on our wedding.  Yikes.  

So tomorrow, I'm hoping for a beta of >20.  Realistically, anything over 0 means pregnant, but the higher the better.  Over 25 at 14 DPO is super fab.  If this happens, I'll go back in a few days to have it drawn again.  HCG should double at least every 72 hours.

Thank you guys from talking me down off the ledge!  I feel more at peace about the whole thing today.  I still feel really positive.  Everything else we had to get lined up--moving, leaving the shipyard, next orders- has worked out perfectly with the EDD of this cycle.  It HAS to work!  Everything else has!  

T minus 1,689 minutes.

Easier said than done.

Patience, n. 
A minor form of despair, disguised as a virtue.

Today I'm 9dp3dt (12 DPO) and still nothing.

I think what I'm seeing (as I saw it again today) is a shinier part of the test where the line would show up if it were positive.  Hence why it's not there when I open it, it's there when its wet, but gone again after it dries.  Although today, it's still there after dry time.  *shrug*  Weird, I know.  I never considered myself to have an eagle eye, but apparently when it comes to POAS, I do.

I know, I know.  Don't get discouraged.  It's early.  Have faith.  Blah blah blah and all that. I'm trying.  Pulling on an olive won't make it ripen faster.  I know.  Much easier said than done.  Patience is a bitter plant that bears sweet fruit.  So here I am, waiting on that fruit.  

A glimmer of (false?) hope

Moonlight is lighting up the inlet out back.  A pair of headlights drive past.  It's pitch black in the house.  I've been up since 3 having to pee.  Only crazy people pee on things on the middle of the night, so i held it.    An alarm sounds signaling 5am.  I race to turn it off and run to POAS.  The timer starts.  I lay back in bed but left the bathroom light on & the door open so my eyes could wake up and adjust to the light.  I can't have sleepy eyes while on the hunt for that elusive second line! 3 minutes pass, but I decide to let it soak 1 more minute.  Time for the verdict.  I went ahead and spent the big bucks on some FRERs.  I tilt the test this way.  I tilt it that way.  I move around to catch the light just right.  WHATTHEFUCKISTHAT!  

"babe, get outta bed and come look at this." 
There's a line.  It's soooo so so faint, but I see it, I SEE it!  J rolls outta bed, rubs his eyes, and comes to look.

"what?  Where?"
"there!"
"I'm half asleep, are you serious?  I see nahthing."
"it's right there!"

He goes back to sleep.  I rip open a fresh FRER to compare.  Nope, no fainter than faint line on a fresh one.  It's GOT to be real!  Cue internal freak out.  Usually the sunlight to help me scrutinize pee-sticks, but it's still dark.  I grab the iPad and try to snap a few pics.  Not enough light and the zoom sucks.  I try inverting the colors on a photo editing program, no luck, too faint.  Gahhhhh, I know I see it!  So I try to go back to sleep.  I have a little moment where I get really excited and think yesssss, it's not over yet, there's a possibility!!  

And then 630 a.m. rolls around.  The test has been sitting there for 1.5 hours, well outside the 10 minute validity readout window.  Yet J takes another look.  He says I was seeing things, he still sees no line.  I examine it again, and I see no second line either.  How can that be?  I could have sworn there was one there earlier!  Maybe I really am going crazy.... Maybe i am seeing lines in my sleep.  Oh em gee...  I've been wanting to pee on another one all day.  

On another note, today has been a pretty great day!
  1) its gone by fast.  Hallelujah.  
2) last night J was really sweet & loving & I didn't have to kill him or cry :)
3) i washed the jeep and scrubbed rims... Was feeling productive.  I even rubbed on the ragtop protector I haven't reapplied since we bought it, uhhh, 15 months ago. ha.
 4) mom&dad sent us flowers!  Big, beautiful, good smelling ones!  :).  <3
5) i got a surprise call from my nurse today!  I got really nervous when caller ID popped up as SRM....   Turns out she was just checking in to see how I was holding up and if I had any questions about anything.  They know it's a long two weeks (understatement of the year!) and wanted to give me some reassurance.  She also reconfirmed that yes, we will get same day results on Sunday.  Between 2-4pm usually.  So that makes it..... 4,324 minutes until we know without a doubt.

With that, I'm off to do whatever it is stay at home wifeys do in the afternoon.  I'm really hoping tomorrow's line is darker so I know I'm not going BONKERS!

The Curse of the Evap

Whats that rule they say about an evap?

Oh yeah.... NEVER look at it!  ugh.

I'm blaming this one all on J.  My plan was to wait until tomorrow to test because I obviously am clairvoyant and knew it would be a squinter if anything showed up at all.  I am secure in my plan as I wake up this morning.  I'm having a great time watching the birds from my pillow when J, on the way to his shower, asks "babe, aren't you going to POAS??  I'm dying to know!"  Ohhhhh fine, if you're going to make me.   ;)

10 minutes pass and i am in the midst of examining when J arrives all clean.  "Is anything there?"  I'm at a crossroads... Is there a line?  Are my eyes playing tricks on me?  Is it just a reflection of the light?  I don't tell him I think I see something, but he affirms... " I think I see it... Right there..." and points.  Right where it is.  For a guy who has looked at mayyyybe 2 other tests, I have no choice but believe we BOTH can't be crazy.  *gets sort of excited*

Then we went wrong.  "is it lighter or darker than yesterday?"  he asks.  Yesterday's while fresh seemed pretty darn negative.  But then I dug it out to compare.... And I'm not sure....  Stupid stupid evap.  So now I'm between a rock & a hard place.... Do I go with my gut from yesterday/ today, or do I go with the evap readout?  And then... Could it possibly still be trigger???  Gahhhhhhh.   

To boot, my guts feel like AF is coming today.  Cramping, sore boobies, nausea, and pimples.  All of these can also be attributed as side-effects of the progesterone I'm taking twice a day.

I swear to god, I'm not testing again until Thursday.

5dp3dt

Today's test result: BFN!  Of course.  The good news is this means my trigger is out.  I'm planning on testing again wednesday, 7dp3dt.  Wish me luck!

I'm halfway through Game of Thrones.  This big fat book has been a great distraction.  Now that our cabin is back down to 2 people, I am grateful we had the entertainment of inlaws and teenagers for 3 weeks.  This week has been CRAWLING.

The games we play...

This is a really neat list I found eHere that explains what is happening in the ut day by day after a 3 day transfer.  (for a 5day transfer start at day 2 where the embryo is now a blastocyst).

1dpt ..embryo is growing and developing 
2dpt... Embryo is now a blastocyst 
3dpt....Blastocyst hatches out of shell on this day 
4dpt.. Blastocyst attaches to a site on the uterine lining 
5dpt.. Implantation begins as the blastocyst begins to bury in the lining 
6dpt.. Implantation process continues and morula buries deeper in the lining 
7dpt.. Morula is completely implanted in the lining and has placenta cells & fetal cells 
8dpt...Placenta cells begin to secret HCG in the blood 
9dpt...More HCG is produced as fetus develops 
10dpt...More HCG is produced as fetus develops 
11dpt...HCG levels are now high enough to be immediately detected on HPT

Of course the process can vary and be faster or slower. This is a good general timeline.  

Accordingly, I shouldn't get a positive test until at least Wednesday, 7dp3dt (translation: 7 days past 3 day transfer) also the equivalent of 10 DPO (days past ovulation).  This is the widely accepted norm as the earliest a BFP would or could appear.  However, the dreaded 2WW and symptom-meter is at an all time high and I can't help but log every single weird thing my body is doing.  I've taken 3 hpt's since Wednesday morning.  I could SWEAR today's was darker than the rest... Today i am 2dp3dt and I've just shown you this would be all but impossible.  Yet I keep having to go back and look to compare to be sure.  I haven't asked J to take a look.... I asked him to compare Wednesday to Thursday and he said " oh def, Thursday's line is much lighter!". I had to point out to him I meant the test line, not the control line ;). Ya know, the line that's barely there and you have to squint to see?  Yeah, that line.  He would definitely tell me to lay off the crazy pills if I asked him to squint and compare the three.  

If you aren't yet TTC and haven't experienced a 2 week wait, girl, you are in for a treat!  If you are or have TTC then you know what I'm talking about when I say it is pure MADNESS!!  I'd like to think I know my body pretty well.  I know when I'm getting a migraine the second it starts, I can tell the difference between AF cramps and ovulation cramps.  Then comes along the "two week wait" and suddenly I start to second guess my 27 years of body-education and every twinge  becomes a pregnancy symptom.  It's so annoying!  My boobies are more sore than usual... Is it the progesterone or am I pregnant?  I think I felt a little twinge!  Implantation?  I'm feeling excessively bloated; was it the beans I ate yesterday or could it be...?  I feel a bit nauseous this morning, is it the antibiotics or a little embryo?  What about the coffee?  It didn't smell that strongly yesterday!  Maybe my sense of smell is getting more heightened!  

Yesterday was I was so off, I just had to laugh at myself.  I just started reading Game of Thrones (great book, btw, I'm hooked!) and had been reading in my lounge chair outside for a few hours.  Out of no where i start getting these intense cramps, the biggest I've had since I started stims.  Not quite AF cramps, different... Like deep in my belly.  Of course you can guess what my first thought was.  I got so excited!  Maybe this was it!  My friends tell me their only "symptom" was mild cramping and this is what I'm experiencing!  10 minutes go by and then I realize uh oh, I need an emergency bathroom pitstop.  Turns out my cramps weren't embryo related at all.  Just revenge of the DragonFire pizza I had the night before complete with spicy sauce, pepperoni and loads of jalapeños.  I'm telling you, the 2ww is torture!

Another thing someone pointed out to me is that maybe my twin dream was, in fact, correct and that even though we transferred only one embryo the possibility exists that it will split into two, identical twin fetuses.  Hmmm... I suppose.  I researched that normally identical twins occur at a rate of 0.25%.  The percentage rises to somewhere between 2-9% with IVF.  While still a very rare occurrence, I can't deny the possibility exists.  Cool.  Another thing to obsess and wonder about.  In order to keep myself in check and tone down the obsessing indent thinkmill take another hot until Monday.  I'm hoping the trigger will be out of my system and I can quit the "omg, is it darker?!" questioning for a few days until a BFP is more realistic.

The thing I do know for certain, fate will be determined in 8 days by my blood HCG draw.  August 19, hurry up!