2WW, WTF!!

Here's why I'm fretting:

I thought I was over suppressed by OCP and hence would have an anovulatory cycle this go around.

But then I O'd on CD19 which while later than "average" is very normal for me. {CD14 of a 28 day cycle is 'average'... }

Usually, my luteal phase is 4-8 days (except when I was on clomid). I spot continuously after ovulation until AF shows up. I've been spotting since Wednesday and been having cramps like AF. Literally, every time I use the ladies room, I grab a tampon cuz I'm sure she's here! TMI, sorry I know... Today is CD30, I'm 11DPO (a freakin record!), the spotting has subsided this morning.... Still cramps, no AF, and a BFN along with a temp drop this a.m. Technically tomorrow I'll be "late."

Here's my FF so you can stalk http://www.fertilityfriend.com/home/38a4f2

WTF is going on!!?! The longer this drags out, the longer it delays our next IVF cycle. Ugh. I want to know one way or another so badly! I Hate WAITING!! Rawr.

In Limbo

It is looking like our wait for the next IVF round will be shorter vice longer, yippee! Miraculously, I ovulated last Thursday. See those beautiful crosshairs? I was crossing all possible digits hoping this would be the case. However, the confusing part is that this destroys my theory that the stim injections failed because I was over suppressed by OCP. If I was over suppressed, I most likely would be going through an anovulatory cycle now. So now I am left to wonder, "why the heck didn't I grow a bunch of big, fat, eggs?" This makes me really nervous for the possibility of failing again with round #2. :/ I am stumped. Hopefully my RE will not be.

If all goes according to the plan that we didn't strike it lucky on our own this month, it looks like I'll be starting injections around 12 July... And hopefully not Friday the 13th! The good news is our EDD would be the beginning of April. After the ship moves back to San Diego, before it leaves for 30 days in May, with plenty of time to spare before we PCS to God knows where in July. J is thrilled and already less stressed. The bad news is this means we'll be in the middle of craziness and drugs & needles and appointments every 3 days and a very grouchy, irritated, hormonally charged ME with no wine allowed just in time for his two sons and my inlaws to visit for 3 (yes, three!) weeks. It's going to be a circus! You gotta laugh.

The only thing we can do now is wait. Wait for my pal Mary, or wait for a BFP (yeah, right, but one can hope!)


P.s. I haven't heard anything further regarding my subpoena. I haven't gotten it in the mail, I haven't been contacted by the DA, and the detective hasn't returned my call from last week. I've decided to let it go in hopes they forget about me or decide to fry bigger fish!

A few more tricks

I have never been so nervous for a doctor appointment as I was on Monday! I was really afraid of what the verdict would be and whether they had stronger drug protocols I could use since I had done one of the strongest. Of course, Drs first suggestion was donor egg and I said no. Maybe later, but for now I feel like we still have a chance to be successful with my own lil eggs. They can't really pinpoint what went wrong or could have caused the lack of response.... Maybe it was an off month, maybe the drug dose was too high, maybe it was the BCP.... Who knows. The good news is there are two other protocols she thinks will work well. One is a Lupron microflare protocol, which I read about and am glad she mentioned. It works in conjunction with the body's natural hormone levels to recruit follicles for the following cycle. It is one that has the most success for those who are poor responders or have low ovarian reserve, read: me. The other she mentioned is a LEAP protocol. May be similar to estrogen priming?? I'm not sure.... I haven't heard of it, google can't find me much so I don't know a whole lot. My understanding is that they make it easier to "wake up" the follicles, so during my next cycle, I'll monitor for ovulation, then start Estrace and an injection to sync the follicles (instead of suppressing with BCP) so they all start growing at the same time.

The summary of my 30 minutes in the docs office: she has tricks up her sleeve! We just need to wait for Uterine Exodus before we can proceed. I'm on CD 19, so this could be next week (if I ovulate, which I haven't yet, but hopefully will by CD22), or indefinitely if I'm too screwed up by BCP then injections then nadda. We shall see. Although there is still a minuscule chance for "au natural" this month and hubby is glad to hear this. Best case scenario, we are back to poking and prodding by mid-end July.

I've started yoga for infertility which basically involves massaging your innards through breathing... Yeahhhh..... I've also been doing reflexology, which I've found is super easy and quick. I'm still debating about acupuncture ... everywhere I read says theres no proof, but it can't hurt. It'll hurt my already empty wallet, that's for sure!

In closing, an interesting tidbit I came across: the 2nd chakra, Svadhisthana is the one associated with the reproductive system. Two ways to open up and clear your chakra: imagine a lotus flower opening and closing, or become one with the color orange. Wear it, imagine it, eat and drink it, BE orange. interesting. I swear, I picked out the background for this blog long before I knew orange and Svadhisthana were related.

I am that I am

When I started this blog, I didn't know what I expected to get out of it. I didn't particularly want to do it. I've never been a writer or one who journals. I wasn't sure I wanted "our business" out there for everyone to see. But somehow, it felt like the right thing to do. Someone told me it would be a nice outlet. A good way to remember everything you're going through.

They are right.

I've been nosing around other writers and came across a page called The Infertility Voice. In one of her posts, she talks about sharing your story, even with just one person, and how it can help. Help you cope, help you heal. Help you with decisions and give the opportunity for others to offer advice, or just listen and be an avenue of release. I think now, I realize that's my goal. To organize and vent my thoughts. To become more familiar with talking about what J and I are going through to help people understand. To be honest and talk about the disease. To bring light to infertility and not be silenced or ashamed by it. It will help me be confident in who I am and where our journey will take us.

"once a person starts talking about their journey, you can see the relief in their eyes with each word uttered, to finally unburden themselves with the stories they’ve carried in silence." Silence... For a long, long, time.


I've been doing yoga a lot since moving to Washington and have been looking for a mantra or vision to use. I found one, and today will be my first day using it. Mom, don't get mad at me, but I wrote it in pen on my hand. ;). I didn't want to be downward dogging and forget it!



I am whole
I am perfect
I am strong

I am happy
I am healthy & harmonious

I am beautiful
Powerful
Lovable

I am that I am that I am

The Next Day

Saturday, June 2, was actually a pretty fair day, considering all that happened yesterday. I went to bed with the biggest headache in the world, and despite excedrin migraine, lots of water, and my sleep mask, I still wake up to pounding. I wake up feeling like it must be 10:00.... It's 630. I can't sleep so start my Googling again. I find all sorts of things that worked for other poor responders... Lupron for 3-5 days while on BCP, no suppression before IVF start, estrogen priming, Higher dose of menopur, stimming for more days, Micro dose Lupron flare protocol..... This is all gibberish to me, but the plus side is that there are options!

I am still devastated, but feel like I have to go back to my usual, positive self. It's still hard to walk past my box of drugs or see the follistim sitting where the eggs should be in the fridge. I also have two bright purple quarter sized bruises on my belly, an ugly reminder of what those injections didn't produce. Yesterday was my chance to feel sorry for myself and be upset so today I'm ready to start fixing it. I read that unfortunately, there probably was nothing I could or couldn't do to keep the cycle from failing. J and I talk more about what we are going to do. We both agree everything will work out how it's supposed to... Everything happens for a reason... After all, it has for us up until this point! It's so hard to take the disappointment, but I have to believe it will work out in the end.

I decide I'm going to start temping again starting tomorrow. I want to know if I'm going to ovulate these 2 follicles, or if I'm in for a 50 day cycle like last July when I went off contraception. Then again, maybe J and I will get lucky with one of these follicles! I doubt it, but we have the opportunity for 1 more month of fun.

I am not ready to talk adoption or donor egg. I have eggs, I ovulate on my own, I had an Antral follicle count of 9, my AMH is just above 1(low, but not awful) .... My CD 3 labs were checked on my regular cycles, my FSH was 6, estrogen at 48, which are both well within normal range. We just have to figure out how to get those eggies to grow! Even though my egg supply is tiny, my eggs are still young. Hopefully this is good news for fertilization and implantation.... If we ever get that far.

Oh, we took out the fishing poles. No fish, but we caught some crabs! I haven't fished in a long time, but it is a great way to make time pass faster and very, very relaxing. I can see myself doing it a lot the next few weeks.

Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day

Reason #1 Friday, June 1 was awful: I'm an operating room nurse in Level I trauma centers. As such, we often deal with trauma in the OR, including gunshots. I got a call from a detective across the country where I used to work informing me that I was involved with a homicide victim. Because I was the one who sealed the bullet in the envelope before it was handed over to authorities, they want to fly me out the end of this month to testify and he is sending my subpoena ASAP. With all I've got going on medically, I wanted to slap this detective through the phone line. Added undue stress = not good.


Why Friday, June 1 was terrible, horrible, no good, and very, very, very bad:
8:40 AM, I had my Day 7 ultrasound and blood work. Performed by a very educated and professional physician. He saw 2 follicles, both measuring less than 10mm. My uterine lining measured 3.3mm. What all this means, he tells me? Its not looking good. My body is basically sleeping, I am not responding to the stimulation injections. He is going to consult with my usual RE but most likely my IVF cycle is going to be cancelled because I am far from producing what they expect/ed. My appointment for tomorrow's scan is cancelled. After they get my bloodwork back, I can expect a call from the nurse later today instructing me as to my next step. I leave the office and almost make it to the elevator before bursting into tears. I sit in my jeep thankful for the travel pack of Kleenex in my glovebox. I can't call J, he's about to give a big speech in 30 minutes and I want him to rock it out, not be distracted. I think about calling my mom, but all I'd do is blubber on the phone. After 20 minutes I decide I'd better just get home and pick up J.

In the parking lot on base I have 30 minutes before J is done with his speech & ceremony. So much is running through my brain. "Why?... I won't be pregnant next week.... I knew this was going to happen.... What do we do next?... I know I have eggs, where'd they go?...". I research acupuncture on my phone and make an appointment for Monday at a local place. I research "poor responders to IVF" and "over suppression with oral contraceptives before IVF.". J hops in the car, asks how it went, and I don't get one word out, just tears. I give him the rundown. We're both silent. I decide I still want to get my military ID renewed today (it's a pain, and since he's done with work, we might as well.) I get a nice picture of myself with puffy eyes on an ID card I have to carry around for the next 4 years. Perfect.

We run to Fred Meyer to get a few groceries and things for the weekend. I see a lady rocking her newborn in the furniture section and run to sporting goods before I make a scene. J is an avid fisherman so we get what he calls "the basics." I thought that was a pole, a bobber, and a worm, but I am wrong. I decide to get a pink UglyStik, a good choice, he says. Shopping is a nice distraction. J is in his whites so a very nice gentlemen buys our coffees and he gets a lot of gratitude about his service.

We get home, and between the hormones I've been injecting and the heartbreak, I am a waterfall of emotion. I make lunch, but can't eat. After an hour, J sets me up a chair and book down by the water. He spends the afternoon hauling buckets of rocks and shell to make our trail to the water safe. I read, but am attached to my phone, waiting for my nurse to call. At 3:00, my phone rings. It's my doctor, not a nurse... Ruh roh. She says my estrogen actually went down. At this point in the game, it should be between 150 - 500. Mine is less than 40. I am to stop all injections and meds except my vitamin. Basically now it's a waiting game for my menses to come spontaneously before we can do anything else. She says she is surprised because I was on one of their strongest protocols, but says we have options. We make an appointment for June 11 to discuss what our next step will be. J and I build a fire, open some wine, and I proceed to cry the entire rest of the day. At 9:15, 12+ hours later, I finally run out of tears to cry.