SUNSHINE!!

J and I had a fabulous road trip last week down the coast.  We stopped off at Crater Lake in Oregon which was breathtaking!  We also hiked across the San Andreas fault line, walked across the Golden Gate, drove down hwy 101 from Monterey the "Big Sur", sipped wine in Solvang, and finished off swimming with seals on Coronado beach.  Pure awesomeness!!

Currently we are still in our studio in Coronado but will upgrade to a 1 bedroom apartment in the same complex next weekend.  I am antsy to unpack!  The movers come sometime this week....  Tomorrow is my first day back to work in 10 months.  The thought of an alarm clock is giving me nightmares!!  Although I am Looking forward to the paycheck & a big fat savings account with which to pay for future petri dishes. ;)

This was our first cycle since IVF disappointment #2.  Once again, I was hoping we'd get lucky.  Once again, my dreams got crushed.  I thought I had a super short 19 day cycle.  Turns out I just had breakthrough bleeding as AF came with a vengeance middle of the night Saturday, flaring up my IBS and forcing me to reschedule a highly anticipated doctor appointment.  The next few months are going to be tricky TTC wise so I am focusing on general overall health instead.  Regular exercise, a healthy diet, yoga, acupuncture, and maaaaaybe a handful of crazy voodoo fertility tricks.  Pineapple core? Check.  Robitussin? Check.  Fertility smoothies & fertilaid?  Double check.  Anything else I'm missing that you lovely ladies recommend?  Bunk or not, I'm at the point I will try ANYTHING.

And now, to close with a bit of TTC humor. J and I joke about this all the time.  Sperms are a precious commodity, no waste allowed!!!! :) :)

New Game Plan

What a week.  I can't believe it has only been a week.  It feels like a lifetime has passed since last Sunday.  A long, horrible lifetime.  

The days have passed glacially slow.  Some mornings I wake up fine and go to bed crying.  Others I wake up sad and the whole day just sucks.  I feel guilty because I have been a super crappy wife.  J went from homemade lunches and over easy eggs n toast every morning to a power bar, a protein shake, a dirty smelly house & doing his own laundry.  We are both in sad shape, and I think part of it is he is sad and doesn't care about the house or food or any of that, either.  I did have a pretty good day Wednesday.  My super awesome sister got me a really nice "I'm sorry you got crappy news" gift and sent me to get a massage and body polish at my nearest Aveda salon.  Best two hours I've had in a long time!  I was treated to the 'stress-fix' package.  There was a minute where I felt like a fool as the poor massage therapist, in trying to find out what my 'ailments' were, brought me to tears.  Ugh.  

After that, J and I decided we needed to get the heck out of the house and had a fab weekend in Vancouver.  We did all the touristy stuff - hit Granville island, took a ferry to English Bay, walked around Yaletown, had dinner in Gastown, saw Canada Place & the Olympic torch.  We even took a horse buggy around Stanley Park & went up two ski lifts to a look out at the top of a wind mill on top of Grouse Mt.  It was incredible!

We got back last night and now the real work begins.  The movers are coming next Wednesday which means I best start packing.  I called my old boss & they made a per diem position in which to hire me back.  Yes, they created a opening for me. I guess if I suck at making babies, at least I can rule at life in the job sector.  Nursing degree, ftw.  I would have had no problem finding a job in San Diego, but I loved working at UCSD.  I like my co workers, they are a great team, and I know my pay will be off the hook.  I'm really looking forward to going back there and glad they are taking me back!  For once, I may work my share of overtime & become a call whore.  First day, September 18.  

Even though Bremerton sucks a big one, I'm not looking forward to leaving.  J and I will be apart until April when his ship will supposedly get back to San Diego.  I say 'supposedly' because The Nav likes to make plans change (see the USS Stennis' schedule the last 15 months.) To boot, we broke our lease and he is going to live on the ship.  Living on the ship is bad enough, but living on the ship while in the yards is equivalent to living in a construction zone.  Oh, and he will have no car....  I can not put into words how horrible J's life will be for the next 8 months.  

Back to WTF.  I met with Dr Kennedy Tuesday.  She is the most empathetic and resourceful doctor I have ever had.  She said everything with our cycle went as predicted and as the stats say they should have.  She wished we would have gotten more than 4 eggs with the 7 follies but that obv couldn't be helped.  She said if we did it again she would do it all exactly the same.  I'm hoping we won't need a "next time" but I suppose it is promising we found a protocol that worked well.  The only thing that ticked me off is she suggested we should move on to DE (donor egg). What?!!!  I'm young, I have good eggs, my labs are all fine, I just don't have the quantity to be as successfull as someone with two good ovaries who can pump out 25 eggs at once. Ugh!  I realize it will take us more tries simply because of quantity and percentages.  Math is math.  One frkn cycle fail is NOT enough to make me want to use a donor.  She said there wasn't a whole lot else we can do to increase our odds otherwise.  I asked her if there was a magic pill we could use in the mean time as we go back to "the normal way" of family building.  Vitamins, drugs, creams, magic dust, voodoo, tell me and I will do it!  I thought a progesterone supplement may help my LPD.  She suggested an HCG injection is the best.  So, I'm going to try that every month to supplement my natural LH surge which in turn helps support the egg and implantation.  The downside?  I have to track ovulation so as to give the injection at the right time.  This time, it's not nearly as time critical as it was with retrieval, but it has to be the same day.  I'm not exactly thrilled about using OPKs again.  I was looking forward to a TTC break.  It's also going to be really hard with me in Cali and Jeff in WA.  Not sure how we are going to work it yet.  I might just have ovidrel sitting in the fridge and if he happens to be around, great.  If not, meh.

Call me crazy, but I am also thinking about trying IUI (intrauterine insemination).  Since my eggs are fine & J's sperms are only mildly lazy, this would seem to be an o.k. (and cheaper!) option, right? Or am I not thinking clearly and being silly?   We skipped it originally because everyone was afraid I would run out of eggs tomorrow and IVF was obviously our best chance for success.  We will not be able to afford IVF again until at least next summer.  At 2% of the cost, I'm thinking IUI would be worth a try.  Realistically, we could try in a few months.  

I plan on hooking up with a new RE as soon as I get to California next week.  I'm hoping I can convince them IUI would be worth a shot.  There is a military treatment facility down at Balboa and I'm also thinking of going there... Since we know what works, all they have to do is prescribe the same protocol again & not f*ck it up.  Hopefully military healthcare can manage that.  

Last week I told myself I wasn't going to worry about life.  I am going to play blind & ignorant and am going to let TTC be for awhile.  This way I can relax and enjoy life a day at a time instead of a cycle at a time.  For some reason, I'm finding this hard to do.  If I know drinking a fancy smoothie and eating a bunch of pineapple core can help my cause for something we want so badly, how can I refuse to try it?  I wish I could go back to CD1.  368 357 days ago, before I knew about temping and OPKs, robitussin and Vitamin B12, preseed and babydust, softcups and suppositories and cervical fluid and trigger shots.  Sometimes, ignorance is bliss.  

Results are in!

EPIC FAIL

We got the phone call of doom.  Big, fat, HCG negative.  

I could tell as soon as " hi M, this is Heather, can you hear me alright?" was said.  Worst car ride ever.  We stopped at the grocery on the way home and picked up some recovery essentials: 3 Musketeers, ice cream bars, beers, and vanilla vodka.  I almost bought cigarettes, too.  I figured I might as well be as fetally unfriendly as I could be for one day!  I hate to admit this, but we burned the photo of the embryo.  I couldn't stand to see it on the fridge, staring at me, wondering what the heck went wrong.  

BTW, AF should have come yesterday.  For the first time ever, I'm late.  The bitch of it is I know I ain't preggy!  Our consolation prize for a failed cycle is my PERIOD!  What a cruel joke.  

I'm glad (as I'm sure so is J) that I can finally morph from evil bitch monster back to me.  I'm glad we just frkn know.  Not knowing was the worst!  I'm super sad because I was really looking forward to making J's life a living hell for the next 9 months.  Instead I get to eat sushi, drink beers, take excedrin for my headaches, and not eat my veggies.  Sounds like fun, except Im not looking forward to it.  I get to move back to Cali... Except that is a pretty shitty second place prize.  I wanted first prize, dammit!

I know what you're thinking... The answer is yes, we can still try "old skool." We have our WTF (why the fail) appointment tomorrow.  I'm hoping Dr K has some real good advice on what we can do to maximize our chances au natural.  It's probably not a whole lot and it would be pretty amazing to get lucky, I'm just not sure I want to go back to twice a day vitamins, temping, charting, and stressing every month.  Maybe I can be like a NORMAL person and take it Nike style and be surprised one day as I'm drinking my wine and wondering when the hell my last period was.  Sounds pretty luxurious.

Real luxurious.


Just for shits n giggles, I made J POAS last night.  I was hoping to share the pressure we women feel while POAS, plus I had more than a few extra tests. Pfffft.  He's not with child, either! Dang. 

Not yet ...

10dp3dt

I did not test this morning.  I decided to trust in the process and trust my body is doing everything it can.  Phrew!  So hard! J wants me to test and said he will not tell me the results.. Yeah, right!  Hahaha.  I thought about testing in the morning before my blood draw but that seems silly since we will know witout a doubt a few hours later.  Plus, we have a nice little day in Seattle planned and I want to enjoy my last few hours (of torture? ).  After that, life is changed one way or the other! 

If its good news, we get to start planning our trek back to San Diego!  Yippee!  If its bad news, I'll still go back to San Diego, just sooner.  Like, in 2 weeks.   ' be goin back to work!  Ya know, to pay off the mountain of debt we just incurred and then save up for the next round.   To put it in perspective, I realized we have spent just about as much on infertility as we did on our wedding.  Yikes.  

So tomorrow, I'm hoping for a beta of >20.  Realistically, anything over 0 means pregnant, but the higher the better.  Over 25 at 14 DPO is super fab.  If this happens, I'll go back in a few days to have it drawn again.  HCG should double at least every 72 hours.

Thank you guys from talking me down off the ledge!  I feel more at peace about the whole thing today.  I still feel really positive.  Everything else we had to get lined up--moving, leaving the shipyard, next orders- has worked out perfectly with the EDD of this cycle.  It HAS to work!  Everything else has!  

T minus 1,689 minutes.

Easier said than done.

Patience, n. 
A minor form of despair, disguised as a virtue.

Today I'm 9dp3dt (12 DPO) and still nothing.

I think what I'm seeing (as I saw it again today) is a shinier part of the test where the line would show up if it were positive.  Hence why it's not there when I open it, it's there when its wet, but gone again after it dries.  Although today, it's still there after dry time.  *shrug*  Weird, I know.  I never considered myself to have an eagle eye, but apparently when it comes to POAS, I do.

I know, I know.  Don't get discouraged.  It's early.  Have faith.  Blah blah blah and all that. I'm trying.  Pulling on an olive won't make it ripen faster.  I know.  Much easier said than done.  Patience is a bitter plant that bears sweet fruit.  So here I am, waiting on that fruit.  

A glimmer of (false?) hope

Moonlight is lighting up the inlet out back.  A pair of headlights drive past.  It's pitch black in the house.  I've been up since 3 having to pee.  Only crazy people pee on things on the middle of the night, so i held it.    An alarm sounds signaling 5am.  I race to turn it off and run to POAS.  The timer starts.  I lay back in bed but left the bathroom light on & the door open so my eyes could wake up and adjust to the light.  I can't have sleepy eyes while on the hunt for that elusive second line! 3 minutes pass, but I decide to let it soak 1 more minute.  Time for the verdict.  I went ahead and spent the big bucks on some FRERs.  I tilt the test this way.  I tilt it that way.  I move around to catch the light just right.  WHATTHEFUCKISTHAT!  

"babe, get outta bed and come look at this." 
There's a line.  It's soooo so so faint, but I see it, I SEE it!  J rolls outta bed, rubs his eyes, and comes to look.

"what?  Where?"
"there!"
"I'm half asleep, are you serious?  I see nahthing."
"it's right there!"

He goes back to sleep.  I rip open a fresh FRER to compare.  Nope, no fainter than faint line on a fresh one.  It's GOT to be real!  Cue internal freak out.  Usually the sunlight to help me scrutinize pee-sticks, but it's still dark.  I grab the iPad and try to snap a few pics.  Not enough light and the zoom sucks.  I try inverting the colors on a photo editing program, no luck, too faint.  Gahhhhh, I know I see it!  So I try to go back to sleep.  I have a little moment where I get really excited and think yesssss, it's not over yet, there's a possibility!!  

And then 630 a.m. rolls around.  The test has been sitting there for 1.5 hours, well outside the 10 minute validity readout window.  Yet J takes another look.  He says I was seeing things, he still sees no line.  I examine it again, and I see no second line either.  How can that be?  I could have sworn there was one there earlier!  Maybe I really am going crazy.... Maybe i am seeing lines in my sleep.  Oh em gee...  I've been wanting to pee on another one all day.  

On another note, today has been a pretty great day!
  1) its gone by fast.  Hallelujah.  
2) last night J was really sweet & loving & I didn't have to kill him or cry :)
3) i washed the jeep and scrubbed rims... Was feeling productive.  I even rubbed on the ragtop protector I haven't reapplied since we bought it, uhhh, 15 months ago. ha.
 4) mom&dad sent us flowers!  Big, beautiful, good smelling ones!  :).  <3
5) i got a surprise call from my nurse today!  I got really nervous when caller ID popped up as SRM....   Turns out she was just checking in to see how I was holding up and if I had any questions about anything.  They know it's a long two weeks (understatement of the year!) and wanted to give me some reassurance.  She also reconfirmed that yes, we will get same day results on Sunday.  Between 2-4pm usually.  So that makes it..... 4,324 minutes until we know without a doubt.

With that, I'm off to do whatever it is stay at home wifeys do in the afternoon.  I'm really hoping tomorrow's line is darker so I know I'm not going BONKERS!

7dp3dt

My boobs feel like they are getting piercings.  I can't readjust on the couch without doing a boob grab and readjusting "the girls" first.  My tummy hurts and my ut is cramping pretty good today.  If it's the progesterone doing this to me, you can bet your lucky stars I won't be taking it again unless absolutely necessary!  Does PIO do this same shit to you?   The suppositories are..... Messy.  I can't say I'd be overjoyed with more needles I'm the ass.  I guess I'll be thankful I don't have walnut sized knots on my cheeks.  But seriously?  No wonder we women are so witchy at the end of the month.  I'm convinced I must have lad low progesterone.  Either that or it's sky high now.  I have never felt so evil in my life.

Oh, and....I lied.

This morning, a big fat sowhiteitwouldglowinthedark negative.  I'm trying not to get too worked up about it.  It's still early, right?  RIGHT?

I have 10 hpts on the back of the John right now.  4 are digi's.  6 are blue dye (sent to me by the pharmacy or bought before I knew better.. Yes I've had them that long.  Sad, eh???).  Not sure if I use the blue dyes knowing they suck, or go buy some FRERs to bring on the disappointment.  I've been using internet cheapies until now.   

I wonder if normal people have this debate, too?  And really, who has a stock of 17 hpts in their house at one time?  Must be an infertile!