Nov update

What's new:  Not sure what's working, but this month and last I ovulated DAYS before I had been.  My luteal phase is up to a whopping 13 days, hallelujah!  I still have that pesky spotting but I'll take these other 2 wins I've gotten so far ;)

We met with our new RE (along with his 2 fellows) in San Diego.  He is a super nice, very educated man.  He also happens to be director of infertility and reproductive endocrinology at UC-San Diego.  Dare I say Tricare, ftw??!  He is discussing our case at a meeting the group holds weekly before writing our care plan.  I think its going to involve lots of ultrasounds to track follicles, possibly some drugs, and IUI.

In the mean time, were keeping the love alive!  I flew back tonite from Bremerton after a "catch that egg" weekend.  I decided Wednesday night to hop on a plane Thursday morning.  It was a brilliant last minute idea. :).  I'm CD 14 today.  I forgot to pack opks so just waiting on a temp rise hopefully tomorrow or Tuesday!  That would be ideal.  Also sending all the good vibes I can muster to the lil guys.  Come on swimmerz, do your job!!  Ha.

October update

I was going to start by saying nothing too much is new, but then realized that is inaccurate.  I feel like a new person!  Lets see how many fertility friendly additions I've added to my life... Aaaaand, go!

- I've been back at work for 5 weeks, in the operating room for 4.  The transition from Bremalow couch potato to basically full time nursey on my feet all day has gone smoother than I anticipated.  This transition has also fed my weight loss efforts. :).  (What's a Bremalow, you ask?  Search YouTube for sir mix-a-lot, it's a hilarious song about where we were stationed in the PNW.)

- I've added regular yoga back to my schedule. I quit back in August because I was too afraid to move during the IVF 2WW.  Then moving, job, etc... It had been awhile. I'm back at it and continuing my search for a studio.  One I like is closing, the other only has classes at 530pm...  Anyone have thoughts on the Corepower chain?  Thinking of trying them out next week.

- I've been to acupuncture 4 times (3 with Lori, the lady I decided to go with) and love it!  I'm excited to see where it leads and how it affects my cycles.  At Lori's encouragement, she also has me trying out a dairy & gluten free diet.  Multiple people have mentioned to me gluten free for fertility.  I figured it can't hurt to try it.  Apparently my yin & yang are out of balance causing my kidneys to be unbalanced and dampness in my chi which can block pathways or something... Dairy, which makes mucous, can cause this dampness.  So it only makes sense to cut it out, right?  Again, it can't hurt to try.  In addition to fertilaid, I'm also taking an herb called Resolve Lower to help warm me up and keep away cyst formation.  Along with this "warming up" process, I can't drink cold drinks I.e. anything iced and I eat EVERYTHING heated or cooked.  Even my apple.  Yes, it's nuts.  I don't care.  I'm dedicated. 

- I drink fertillty smoothies every morning for " breakfast."  A combination of rice protein powder (gluten & dairy free, you see, no whey protein allowed!) super greens, Acai berry, maca root powder, royal jelly, bee pollen, and a load of liquid omegas.  Royal jelly is what the hive feeds the queen bee enabling her to lay hundreds of eggs each day.  Give me some of that fertile egg power!

- since I got so fat in Bremerton (see point 1, Bremalow), I'm trimming down.  A 20lb gain on my little frame meant I was over 30 BMI, the cut off for most fertility clinics to treat.  Dun dun dun!  Of course working and eating so healthy have attributed to my weight loss effort.  My first goal was to lose 15 lbs by Christmas, followed by 8 more by Valentines day.  Welp, I'm pleased to say that 4 weeks in, I'm already down 8 pounds.  High fives!

I'm hoping all these efforts get us to a really, really fertile January.  J is up in Washington until March. :( :( :(. I will see him about 1 weekend a month.  None of which coincide with fertile days.  However he is coming home for 10 days at New Years.  This happens to line up PERFECTLY with my fertile window.  I am focusing all my energies to be in tip top fertile shape my then.  

Of course given our history, I can't deny the doctors and RE's.  My OBGYN here in San Diego is ... Not so good.  I saw his PA for an appointment last month.  Even though I have a clear Luteal phase defect, she saw no point in testing my progesterone.  Oh, and Dr Sucky does IUIs, but only on Mondays & Thursdays.  Ugh, tardvision.  My plan is to use all angles to get finally get that BFP.  As part of this, I was hoping to get into the military treatment facility (MTF) here through Balboa so they could pay for, like, everything.  unfortunately, apparently here (unlike in WA where the waitlist was giant but we could have done it) they only deal with Tricare prime, not standard.  Why, oh why!  So we're screwed and will have to pay out of pocket.  Again.  The only good news is I had Dr. Sucky refer me to someone who is Tricare covered and he's an RE! Yay!  I see him Nov 8.  Hopefully he's really good and really creative and can offer some suggestions & solutions.  I'm currently checking out IVF clinics in the San Diego area.  There are sooo many!!  I have no idea how to choose one as they all boast pretty great stats.  Any pointers or recommendations would be GREAT!

I can't leave out all the wonderful efforts J is doing.  After hearing I take 13 pills a day (herbs + vitamin) he no longer complains about his fertilaid & count boost herbs.  A sailor's blood runs thick with coffee & caffeine, but my sailor has cut his down to less than a pot a day.  I know, its still is a ridiculous amount of coffee but considering how much he drank before, it's a win!  More veggies, more exercise, and slowly but surely I think I'll have him dairy-free in no time.  The part I'm most proud about?  Even though he thinks its witch doctor shit, he is going to visit my acupuncturist.  No questions asked.  His words: " babe, after seeing what you went through with shots and IVF and doctors and how dedicated you are now, I'll do whatever you want."  Its official, he gets the hubby of the year award.  <3

Alright folks.  This fertile turtle is signing off.  I'll leave you with my latest & greatest find: a yoga poem. (Warrior II, Virabhadrasana II)

" Here there is nothing to fight except willfulness.

Some lean too far in the past.

Others stretch way out into the future.

The true warrior stays in the moment, 

burning deeper into whatever comes,

And sometimes with even more difficulty,

What doesn't.  "

SUNSHINE!!

J and I had a fabulous road trip last week down the coast.  We stopped off at Crater Lake in Oregon which was breathtaking!  We also hiked across the San Andreas fault line, walked across the Golden Gate, drove down hwy 101 from Monterey the "Big Sur", sipped wine in Solvang, and finished off swimming with seals on Coronado beach.  Pure awesomeness!!

Currently we are still in our studio in Coronado but will upgrade to a 1 bedroom apartment in the same complex next weekend.  I am antsy to unpack!  The movers come sometime this week....  Tomorrow is my first day back to work in 10 months.  The thought of an alarm clock is giving me nightmares!!  Although I am Looking forward to the paycheck & a big fat savings account with which to pay for future petri dishes. ;)

This was our first cycle since IVF disappointment #2.  Once again, I was hoping we'd get lucky.  Once again, my dreams got crushed.  I thought I had a super short 19 day cycle.  Turns out I just had breakthrough bleeding as AF came with a vengeance middle of the night Saturday, flaring up my IBS and forcing me to reschedule a highly anticipated doctor appointment.  The next few months are going to be tricky TTC wise so I am focusing on general overall health instead.  Regular exercise, a healthy diet, yoga, acupuncture, and maaaaaybe a handful of crazy voodoo fertility tricks.  Pineapple core? Check.  Robitussin? Check.  Fertility smoothies & fertilaid?  Double check.  Anything else I'm missing that you lovely ladies recommend?  Bunk or not, I'm at the point I will try ANYTHING.

And now, to close with a bit of TTC humor. J and I joke about this all the time.  Sperms are a precious commodity, no waste allowed!!!! :) :)

New Game Plan

What a week.  I can't believe it has only been a week.  It feels like a lifetime has passed since last Sunday.  A long, horrible lifetime.  

The days have passed glacially slow.  Some mornings I wake up fine and go to bed crying.  Others I wake up sad and the whole day just sucks.  I feel guilty because I have been a super crappy wife.  J went from homemade lunches and over easy eggs n toast every morning to a power bar, a protein shake, a dirty smelly house & doing his own laundry.  We are both in sad shape, and I think part of it is he is sad and doesn't care about the house or food or any of that, either.  I did have a pretty good day Wednesday.  My super awesome sister got me a really nice "I'm sorry you got crappy news" gift and sent me to get a massage and body polish at my nearest Aveda salon.  Best two hours I've had in a long time!  I was treated to the 'stress-fix' package.  There was a minute where I felt like a fool as the poor massage therapist, in trying to find out what my 'ailments' were, brought me to tears.  Ugh.  

After that, J and I decided we needed to get the heck out of the house and had a fab weekend in Vancouver.  We did all the touristy stuff - hit Granville island, took a ferry to English Bay, walked around Yaletown, had dinner in Gastown, saw Canada Place & the Olympic torch.  We even took a horse buggy around Stanley Park & went up two ski lifts to a look out at the top of a wind mill on top of Grouse Mt.  It was incredible!

We got back last night and now the real work begins.  The movers are coming next Wednesday which means I best start packing.  I called my old boss & they made a per diem position in which to hire me back.  Yes, they created a opening for me. I guess if I suck at making babies, at least I can rule at life in the job sector.  Nursing degree, ftw.  I would have had no problem finding a job in San Diego, but I loved working at UCSD.  I like my co workers, they are a great team, and I know my pay will be off the hook.  I'm really looking forward to going back there and glad they are taking me back!  For once, I may work my share of overtime & become a call whore.  First day, September 18.  

Even though Bremerton sucks a big one, I'm not looking forward to leaving.  J and I will be apart until April when his ship will supposedly get back to San Diego.  I say 'supposedly' because The Nav likes to make plans change (see the USS Stennis' schedule the last 15 months.) To boot, we broke our lease and he is going to live on the ship.  Living on the ship is bad enough, but living on the ship while in the yards is equivalent to living in a construction zone.  Oh, and he will have no car....  I can not put into words how horrible J's life will be for the next 8 months.  

Back to WTF.  I met with Dr Kennedy Tuesday.  She is the most empathetic and resourceful doctor I have ever had.  She said everything with our cycle went as predicted and as the stats say they should have.  She wished we would have gotten more than 4 eggs with the 7 follies but that obv couldn't be helped.  She said if we did it again she would do it all exactly the same.  I'm hoping we won't need a "next time" but I suppose it is promising we found a protocol that worked well.  The only thing that ticked me off is she suggested we should move on to DE (donor egg). What?!!!  I'm young, I have good eggs, my labs are all fine, I just don't have the quantity to be as successfull as someone with two good ovaries who can pump out 25 eggs at once. Ugh!  I realize it will take us more tries simply because of quantity and percentages.  Math is math.  One frkn cycle fail is NOT enough to make me want to use a donor.  She said there wasn't a whole lot else we can do to increase our odds otherwise.  I asked her if there was a magic pill we could use in the mean time as we go back to "the normal way" of family building.  Vitamins, drugs, creams, magic dust, voodoo, tell me and I will do it!  I thought a progesterone supplement may help my LPD.  She suggested an HCG injection is the best.  So, I'm going to try that every month to supplement my natural LH surge which in turn helps support the egg and implantation.  The downside?  I have to track ovulation so as to give the injection at the right time.  This time, it's not nearly as time critical as it was with retrieval, but it has to be the same day.  I'm not exactly thrilled about using OPKs again.  I was looking forward to a TTC break.  It's also going to be really hard with me in Cali and Jeff in WA.  Not sure how we are going to work it yet.  I might just have ovidrel sitting in the fridge and if he happens to be around, great.  If not, meh.

Call me crazy, but I am also thinking about trying IUI (intrauterine insemination).  Since my eggs are fine & J's sperms are only mildly lazy, this would seem to be an o.k. (and cheaper!) option, right? Or am I not thinking clearly and being silly?   We skipped it originally because everyone was afraid I would run out of eggs tomorrow and IVF was obviously our best chance for success.  We will not be able to afford IVF again until at least next summer.  At 2% of the cost, I'm thinking IUI would be worth a try.  Realistically, we could try in a few months.  

I plan on hooking up with a new RE as soon as I get to California next week.  I'm hoping I can convince them IUI would be worth a shot.  There is a military treatment facility down at Balboa and I'm also thinking of going there... Since we know what works, all they have to do is prescribe the same protocol again & not f*ck it up.  Hopefully military healthcare can manage that.  

Last week I told myself I wasn't going to worry about life.  I am going to play blind & ignorant and am going to let TTC be for awhile.  This way I can relax and enjoy life a day at a time instead of a cycle at a time.  For some reason, I'm finding this hard to do.  If I know drinking a fancy smoothie and eating a bunch of pineapple core can help my cause for something we want so badly, how can I refuse to try it?  I wish I could go back to CD1.  368 357 days ago, before I knew about temping and OPKs, robitussin and Vitamin B12, preseed and babydust, softcups and suppositories and cervical fluid and trigger shots.  Sometimes, ignorance is bliss.  

Results are in!

EPIC FAIL

We got the phone call of doom.  Big, fat, HCG negative.  

I could tell as soon as " hi M, this is Heather, can you hear me alright?" was said.  Worst car ride ever.  We stopped at the grocery on the way home and picked up some recovery essentials: 3 Musketeers, ice cream bars, beers, and vanilla vodka.  I almost bought cigarettes, too.  I figured I might as well be as fetally unfriendly as I could be for one day!  I hate to admit this, but we burned the photo of the embryo.  I couldn't stand to see it on the fridge, staring at me, wondering what the heck went wrong.  

BTW, AF should have come yesterday.  For the first time ever, I'm late.  The bitch of it is I know I ain't preggy!  Our consolation prize for a failed cycle is my PERIOD!  What a cruel joke.  

I'm glad (as I'm sure so is J) that I can finally morph from evil bitch monster back to me.  I'm glad we just frkn know.  Not knowing was the worst!  I'm super sad because I was really looking forward to making J's life a living hell for the next 9 months.  Instead I get to eat sushi, drink beers, take excedrin for my headaches, and not eat my veggies.  Sounds like fun, except Im not looking forward to it.  I get to move back to Cali... Except that is a pretty shitty second place prize.  I wanted first prize, dammit!

I know what you're thinking... The answer is yes, we can still try "old skool." We have our WTF (why the fail) appointment tomorrow.  I'm hoping Dr K has some real good advice on what we can do to maximize our chances au natural.  It's probably not a whole lot and it would be pretty amazing to get lucky, I'm just not sure I want to go back to twice a day vitamins, temping, charting, and stressing every month.  Maybe I can be like a NORMAL person and take it Nike style and be surprised one day as I'm drinking my wine and wondering when the hell my last period was.  Sounds pretty luxurious.

Real luxurious.


Just for shits n giggles, I made J POAS last night.  I was hoping to share the pressure we women feel while POAS, plus I had more than a few extra tests. Pfffft.  He's not with child, either! Dang. 

Not yet ...

10dp3dt

I did not test this morning.  I decided to trust in the process and trust my body is doing everything it can.  Phrew!  So hard! J wants me to test and said he will not tell me the results.. Yeah, right!  Hahaha.  I thought about testing in the morning before my blood draw but that seems silly since we will know witout a doubt a few hours later.  Plus, we have a nice little day in Seattle planned and I want to enjoy my last few hours (of torture? ).  After that, life is changed one way or the other! 

If its good news, we get to start planning our trek back to San Diego!  Yippee!  If its bad news, I'll still go back to San Diego, just sooner.  Like, in 2 weeks.   ' be goin back to work!  Ya know, to pay off the mountain of debt we just incurred and then save up for the next round.   To put it in perspective, I realized we have spent just about as much on infertility as we did on our wedding.  Yikes.  

So tomorrow, I'm hoping for a beta of >20.  Realistically, anything over 0 means pregnant, but the higher the better.  Over 25 at 14 DPO is super fab.  If this happens, I'll go back in a few days to have it drawn again.  HCG should double at least every 72 hours.

Thank you guys from talking me down off the ledge!  I feel more at peace about the whole thing today.  I still feel really positive.  Everything else we had to get lined up--moving, leaving the shipyard, next orders- has worked out perfectly with the EDD of this cycle.  It HAS to work!  Everything else has!  

T minus 1,689 minutes.

Easier said than done.

Patience, n. 
A minor form of despair, disguised as a virtue.

Today I'm 9dp3dt (12 DPO) and still nothing.

I think what I'm seeing (as I saw it again today) is a shinier part of the test where the line would show up if it were positive.  Hence why it's not there when I open it, it's there when its wet, but gone again after it dries.  Although today, it's still there after dry time.  *shrug*  Weird, I know.  I never considered myself to have an eagle eye, but apparently when it comes to POAS, I do.

I know, I know.  Don't get discouraged.  It's early.  Have faith.  Blah blah blah and all that. I'm trying.  Pulling on an olive won't make it ripen faster.  I know.  Much easier said than done.  Patience is a bitter plant that bears sweet fruit.  So here I am, waiting on that fruit.