Work Woes

I had a last minute consult with another RE on Monday.  I wasn't supposed to meet him for another 3 weeks and he's such a rockstar his wait list is 3 months long.  I jumped at the opportunity.  Then i got a reaming at work for needing to leave early.  NEEDING to leave early, not wanting to.  Here's the deal with work: I work at a hospital near downtown San Diego that used to be a county hospital.  We get all the homeless and traumas and really sick patients.  There is another hospital in the same system in La Jolla that has all the spoiled doctors and makes all the money with their fancy surgery & technology.  HC hospital (the old county hospital where I was *hired* for) has plenty of staff and everyone loves it.  TH hospital (the prison, as I like to call it) is short staffed and has a bunch if travelers for numerous reasons.

  As part of the budget crisis, instead of making people go home when we have a light schedule they've been sending us up to TH to help them staff.  Out of the goodness of my heart, I've been volunteering to go there on my days off.  Monday was one of these days.  A day I could have been at the pool, doing laundry, getting a pedicure... You get the idea.  But no, they needed help and I think hey, extra money would be nice, so I go.  That morning I do the usz "I need to leave at 145" and the charge nurse throws a fit.    2 hours later I get called into the office. 

Now, at HC they have a nice little system where you write your appointments for the week on a calendar and the interim/afternoon staff usually has no problem letting people leave early.  My charge nurse is a superstar at making her staff happy.  Not in prison.  I was told that I'd have to make my appointments for later in the day because they can not plan on letting people leave early, this is their policy.  Sentara all over again...  (My old job I LOOOOAAAATHED(picture the grinch saying it)). I played the 'I'm doing fertility treatments and can't help it' card to which her response was basically: too bad so sad.  Then, to try and relate, i heard her story about I-thought-i-had problems-too-and-when-i-was-about-to-start- clomid-i-got-sick-during-a-marathon-and-turns-out-i-was-pregnant.  Crickets.  I was so pissed and sad and frustrated I didn't know what to say.   I'm supposed to be OFF today, you a-hole. 

 Then I get to go back in the OR where Brahms lullaby is playing and try to stifle back the hot tears.  The day goes on and 1:30rolls around.  I start tapping my feet with impatience as I'm really nervous about this consult.   In the OR it's a requirement to have one RN circulator per room so it's not like I can just leave. 1:44.... 1:47..... No one... 1:52.... I finally call out to the desk and can imagine feet stomping temper tantrum as I ask if someone is coming to get me out? 1:56 someone shows up.  I'm in a huge, complicated case but sorry you're stupid, I don't have time to teach you all about a bilateral re-do hip replacement.  Ugh. 

The bummer part is TH hospital is literally across the street from my RE. HC is 20 minutes away traffic dependent.  Te commute & extra cash would've been nice but sooo not worth the headache!

The positive side to this shit pile is TH doesn't own me, HC does.  I think they forgot that.  I don't need them, they need me.  My superstar charge was über pissed at them when i told her what happened.  They've been calling for my march schedule (yes, I actually let them schedule me in February.  nice, huh?) and I get to tell them that since my appointments are such a problem they can plan on not having me at all.  They can be short staffed all friggin day instead of just for 45 minutes.  Suck it, jackasses!

well that was awkward...

I finally found a yoga studio I like!  I've only been looking for 3 months... its called HaPa- happy parent :). How cute, right?  The offer childcare for when we get to that point and lots of prenatal and pregnant friendly classes.  Its a really great mix plus its close to work and not too far from home. Score on all fronts.

SO.  Since we're coming up on the start of a cycle (post on that coming soon) I decided it would be good to attend said prenatal class since, ya know, I wanna be all friendly to my fertiles.  I walked in and saw about 9 ladies crammed into this room who all look at least 6 months.  Agh.  I suffered through class and had to "stretch to make room for baby" and "spread your knees so baby can breathe." Yeahhhh.... pretty sure its just fat rolls at this point.  Though I love the studio, I won't be going to prenatal class until its like, fa sho positive.

Worst.idea.ever.

It's a new year!

I guess you could say I'm "over the hump."  I had a really great after-Christmas with my family in town for a week followed by a week of no work and quality time with J.  It was a blissful & much needed break!

 Our New Years was pretty lame.  We popped champagne of course and took a little walk to see San Diego by night.  J and I had fully planned on watching the ball drop in NYC and being in bed by 9:05 PST.    Surprise surprise, they didn't show the ball drop live this year!  We had a great time playing acey-deucey and made it to midnight.  There is a Mexican tradition involving 12 grapes at the stroke of midnight so we toasted, slammed our grapes, and made our resolutions.  I came up with probably my most thoughtful New Year resolution to date: to be thankful for everything that I DO have (a loving family, an adoring husband, financial stability, a home, a job, etc etc) and to trust 'the path.'  Things have a way of working out for J and I.  It's weird, and probably partly because we make the best albeit hardest choices. I.e. J's deployment to Iraq 10 days after our gorgeous wedding.  I know in time we will end up in a better happier place and this will all be worth it.  So that's my goal for this year; head down, grinding forward with the faith that we are headed in the right direction and in due time our dreams will be fulfilled.

As far as the head down grinding forward part: I've been working my asssssss off!  Over Christmas I earned a whole paycheck in 4 days.  In January I've worked 2 weekends followed by extra days during the week making time and a half and taken extra call.  Same in Feb.  California has nurses unions and I get paid really well.  It's almost sick.  Though I do work hard - 16 hour shifts, anyone?  The great news is I am on track to pay off our previous IVFs way ahead of schedule and can start banking for future Egg Ops very soon.  Motivation to work hard and save beaucoup bucks is easier when it's to gain something you are dying to have!

Acupuncture has been going super de duper.  Nothing new to report except a beautiful 12 day luteal phase for the past 2 and current cycles.

In my search to find an RE in SoCal I came across a Resolve support group and have gotten some good intel.  I have 2 appointments coming up this week.  One is mostly just so I can say I gave this guy a shot.  Im worried because he is highly recommended by some and trashed as useless by others...makes me nervous.  The other I am super excited about.  A great fertility center in LA just opened a clinic near us that is a halfway decent drive and I have been super sold by their website (is that wrong?).... We had to drive almost as far to get to our last RE in Seattle so what the hell, right?!

Til next time, Happy MLK day, y'all.

down & up & back down again.

I have been in a super funk this whole month.

After "the talk", I had a crazy two weeks where I was super scared/sad/unsure about DE.  After much debate and stuff, we've decided that in the future if nothing else works out that maybe it'll be a possibility.  For now, we are going to wear out stimmed IUI/IVF.  Well, as much as we can considering how frickin expensive that shit is.  :(  J is super supportive and really wants to do whatever it'll take to make me happy & comfortable.  That man is so awesome to me.  I'm lucky and I know it. 

I spoke with my RE again after he received my labs.  Even after his "beating the dead horse" remark, he feels an AMH of 1.04 really isn't that terrible.  My acupuncturist agrees, and after last months cycle successes she is hoping we won't need drugs, etc to conceive.  I'm a little more skeptical...

This month has not been nearly as successful with the acupuncture/herbs as last.  I O'd late (CD17) and have had a few spotings here and there.  LP is looking like it may only be 7-8 days at the most.  Ugh.  Even though we've gotten lucky and been able to time our BD perfectly these last two cycles, still BFNs.  Part of my super funk is I feel like this is NEVERRRRRRRR going to happen for us!  I'm sick of acupuncture.  I'm sick of pills and vitamins and chunky smoothies with fertility shit in them.  I'm sick of avoiding caffeine and alcohol.  I'm sick of temping/charting.  I'm sick of people giving me fertility "advice."  I have offically gotten to the point where I silently cry when people tell me their wonderful pregnancy news.  I feel like we are still at the bottom of a giant mountain looking up.  We knew this was going to be a challenge.  I just didn't think it would be THIS hard.

Trying to Stay Positive

Flash back to last week.  J and I had a whirlwind weekend.  Wednesday I start a new liquid herb to help support my luteal phase.  My temps are super high and by Saturday I am cramping like crazy.  On Monday, AF is still absent??!?  I know better than to get toooo hopeful but think to myself "if i'm not, I need to got to the doc because something is seriously wrong with my guts!"  I didn't want to test early as I wanted J around to see/hear the news firsthand so I wait.  I fly up to Bremerton Thursday morning for the weekend.  We found out Saturday (well actually friday after a BFN) that indeed, we are just not that lucky.

In keeping with my half-glass-full mentality we are doing our best to see the good in all this.  After 14 months of negative after negative, that's getting a tad difficult.  But alas, there is always something positive to take away, no?  It is apparent to me that acupuncture/herbs is working its magic.  I told myself this month was a win no matter what because *DRUM ROLL* the only time I spotted was the day before AF.  Miraculous!  TMI alert: it was still brown and nasty, and day 1 was pretty gross & terrible too but this.is.HUGE.   My LP in total made it past 10 days.  Miraculous!  My temps were in the "normal" range instead of too cold.  The only time these things have happened otherwise is with drugs i.e. clomid or IVF when my body was hopped up on hormones.  There are many who gave me weird looks when I said I was trying eastern medicine.  When the proof is on paper, there isn't much you can deny.  I'm not silly and agree maybe its just a huge coincidence.  We'll find out in 26 days if coincidence strikes twice.
 See for yourself:   My Chart      

The other reason my bubble is a little burst?  Dr. UCSD called me back after his discussion with his colleagues.  Our conversation was hopeful but realistic.  He mentioned to me POF - premature ovarian failure- and early menopause which I have known for a long time was a possibility.  He said he is up for trying some stimmed IUIs.  We can't really do that until J is home permanently in April.  I asked him if there was anything we could do in the mean time to help our odds (ya know, progesterone, Ovidrel... anything, man, give me drugs!) And I shit you not, his exact words were: "those types of things will indeed prolong your luteal phase.  Since it seems your issue stems from poor follicular growth even if we used them it'd be like beating the same old, dead horse."  I almost died.  Alas, I agree he is right but those were some harsh words!  Sheesh.

In August after WTF#2, I was not prepared nor ready to hear about donor egg.  I felt like (and still do) that we have time on our side.  However I know our success decreases as each month passes.  Hearing what I did from Dr UCSD was a shock.  But a good one.  Kind of like when you shock a heart in asystole to get it beating again.  J and I had a short discussion about DE and what we are up for and open to.  I think I'm getting off that river, DeNile, and letting reality set in.  The challenge now is to decide if that's really the right thing for us and our future.    

Nov update

What's new:  Not sure what's working, but this month and last I ovulated DAYS before I had been.  My luteal phase is up to a whopping 13 days, hallelujah!  I still have that pesky spotting but I'll take these other 2 wins I've gotten so far ;)

We met with our new RE (along with his 2 fellows) in San Diego.  He is a super nice, very educated man.  He also happens to be director of infertility and reproductive endocrinology at UC-San Diego.  Dare I say Tricare, ftw??!  He is discussing our case at a meeting the group holds weekly before writing our care plan.  I think its going to involve lots of ultrasounds to track follicles, possibly some drugs, and IUI.

In the mean time, were keeping the love alive!  I flew back tonite from Bremerton after a "catch that egg" weekend.  I decided Wednesday night to hop on a plane Thursday morning.  It was a brilliant last minute idea. :).  I'm CD 14 today.  I forgot to pack opks so just waiting on a temp rise hopefully tomorrow or Tuesday!  That would be ideal.  Also sending all the good vibes I can muster to the lil guys.  Come on swimmerz, do your job!!  Ha.

October update

I was going to start by saying nothing too much is new, but then realized that is inaccurate.  I feel like a new person!  Lets see how many fertility friendly additions I've added to my life... Aaaaand, go!

- I've been back at work for 5 weeks, in the operating room for 4.  The transition from Bremalow couch potato to basically full time nursey on my feet all day has gone smoother than I anticipated.  This transition has also fed my weight loss efforts. :).  (What's a Bremalow, you ask?  Search YouTube for sir mix-a-lot, it's a hilarious song about where we were stationed in the PNW.)

- I've added regular yoga back to my schedule. I quit back in August because I was too afraid to move during the IVF 2WW.  Then moving, job, etc... It had been awhile. I'm back at it and continuing my search for a studio.  One I like is closing, the other only has classes at 530pm...  Anyone have thoughts on the Corepower chain?  Thinking of trying them out next week.

- I've been to acupuncture 4 times (3 with Lori, the lady I decided to go with) and love it!  I'm excited to see where it leads and how it affects my cycles.  At Lori's encouragement, she also has me trying out a dairy & gluten free diet.  Multiple people have mentioned to me gluten free for fertility.  I figured it can't hurt to try it.  Apparently my yin & yang are out of balance causing my kidneys to be unbalanced and dampness in my chi which can block pathways or something... Dairy, which makes mucous, can cause this dampness.  So it only makes sense to cut it out, right?  Again, it can't hurt to try.  In addition to fertilaid, I'm also taking an herb called Resolve Lower to help warm me up and keep away cyst formation.  Along with this "warming up" process, I can't drink cold drinks I.e. anything iced and I eat EVERYTHING heated or cooked.  Even my apple.  Yes, it's nuts.  I don't care.  I'm dedicated. 

- I drink fertillty smoothies every morning for " breakfast."  A combination of rice protein powder (gluten & dairy free, you see, no whey protein allowed!) super greens, Acai berry, maca root powder, royal jelly, bee pollen, and a load of liquid omegas.  Royal jelly is what the hive feeds the queen bee enabling her to lay hundreds of eggs each day.  Give me some of that fertile egg power!

- since I got so fat in Bremerton (see point 1, Bremalow), I'm trimming down.  A 20lb gain on my little frame meant I was over 30 BMI, the cut off for most fertility clinics to treat.  Dun dun dun!  Of course working and eating so healthy have attributed to my weight loss effort.  My first goal was to lose 15 lbs by Christmas, followed by 8 more by Valentines day.  Welp, I'm pleased to say that 4 weeks in, I'm already down 8 pounds.  High fives!

I'm hoping all these efforts get us to a really, really fertile January.  J is up in Washington until March. :( :( :(. I will see him about 1 weekend a month.  None of which coincide with fertile days.  However he is coming home for 10 days at New Years.  This happens to line up PERFECTLY with my fertile window.  I am focusing all my energies to be in tip top fertile shape my then.  

Of course given our history, I can't deny the doctors and RE's.  My OBGYN here in San Diego is ... Not so good.  I saw his PA for an appointment last month.  Even though I have a clear Luteal phase defect, she saw no point in testing my progesterone.  Oh, and Dr Sucky does IUIs, but only on Mondays & Thursdays.  Ugh, tardvision.  My plan is to use all angles to get finally get that BFP.  As part of this, I was hoping to get into the military treatment facility (MTF) here through Balboa so they could pay for, like, everything.  unfortunately, apparently here (unlike in WA where the waitlist was giant but we could have done it) they only deal with Tricare prime, not standard.  Why, oh why!  So we're screwed and will have to pay out of pocket.  Again.  The only good news is I had Dr. Sucky refer me to someone who is Tricare covered and he's an RE! Yay!  I see him Nov 8.  Hopefully he's really good and really creative and can offer some suggestions & solutions.  I'm currently checking out IVF clinics in the San Diego area.  There are sooo many!!  I have no idea how to choose one as they all boast pretty great stats.  Any pointers or recommendations would be GREAT!

I can't leave out all the wonderful efforts J is doing.  After hearing I take 13 pills a day (herbs + vitamin) he no longer complains about his fertilaid & count boost herbs.  A sailor's blood runs thick with coffee & caffeine, but my sailor has cut his down to less than a pot a day.  I know, its still is a ridiculous amount of coffee but considering how much he drank before, it's a win!  More veggies, more exercise, and slowly but surely I think I'll have him dairy-free in no time.  The part I'm most proud about?  Even though he thinks its witch doctor shit, he is going to visit my acupuncturist.  No questions asked.  His words: " babe, after seeing what you went through with shots and IVF and doctors and how dedicated you are now, I'll do whatever you want."  Its official, he gets the hubby of the year award.  <3

Alright folks.  This fertile turtle is signing off.  I'll leave you with my latest & greatest find: a yoga poem. (Warrior II, Virabhadrasana II)

" Here there is nothing to fight except willfulness.

Some lean too far in the past.

Others stretch way out into the future.

The true warrior stays in the moment, 

burning deeper into whatever comes,

And sometimes with even more difficulty,

What doesn't.  "