I have been in a super funk this whole month.
After "the talk", I had a crazy two weeks where I was super scared/sad/unsure about DE. After much debate and stuff, we've decided that in the future if nothing else works out that maybe it'll be a possibility. For now, we are going to wear out stimmed IUI/IVF. Well, as much as we can considering how frickin expensive that shit is. :( J is super supportive and really wants to do whatever it'll take to make me happy & comfortable. That man is so awesome to me. I'm lucky and I know it.
I spoke with my RE again after he received my labs. Even after his "beating the dead horse" remark, he feels an AMH of 1.04 really isn't that terrible. My acupuncturist agrees, and after last months cycle successes she is hoping we won't need drugs, etc to conceive. I'm a little more skeptical...
This month has not been nearly as successful with the acupuncture/herbs as last. I O'd late (CD17) and have had a few spotings here and there. LP is looking like it may only be 7-8 days at the most. Ugh. Even though we've gotten lucky and been able to time our BD perfectly these last two cycles, still BFNs. Part of my super funk is I feel like this is NEVERRRRRRRR going to happen for us! I'm sick of acupuncture. I'm sick of pills and vitamins and chunky smoothies with fertility shit in them. I'm sick of avoiding caffeine and alcohol. I'm sick of temping/charting. I'm sick of people giving me fertility "advice." I have offically gotten to the point where I silently cry when people tell me their wonderful pregnancy news. I feel like we are still at the bottom of a giant mountain looking up. We knew this was going to be a challenge. I just didn't think it would be THIS hard.
25 December, 2012
02 December, 2012
Trying to Stay Positive
Flash back to last week. J and I had a whirlwind weekend. Wednesday I start a new liquid herb to help support my luteal phase. My temps are super high and by Saturday I am cramping like crazy. On Monday, AF is still absent??!? I know better than to get toooo hopeful but think to myself "if i'm not, I need to got to the doc because something is seriously wrong with my guts!" I didn't want to test early as I wanted J around to see/hear the news firsthand so I wait. I fly up to Bremerton Thursday morning for the weekend. We found out Saturday (well actually friday after a BFN) that indeed, we are just not that lucky.
In keeping with my half-glass-full mentality we are doing our best to see the good in all this. After 14 months of negative after negative, that's getting a tad difficult. But alas, there is always something positive to take away, no? It is apparent to me that acupuncture/herbs is working its magic. I told myself this month was a win no matter what because *DRUM ROLL* the only time I spotted was the day before AF. Miraculous! TMI alert: it was still brown and nasty, and day 1 was pretty gross & terrible too but this.is.HUGE. My LP in total made it past 10 days. Miraculous! My temps were in the "normal" range instead of too cold. The only time these things have happened otherwise is with drugs i.e. clomid or IVF when my body was hopped up on hormones. There are many who gave me weird looks when I said I was trying eastern medicine. When the proof is on paper, there isn't much you can deny. I'm not silly and agree maybe its just a huge coincidence. We'll find out in 26 days if coincidence strikes twice.
See for yourself: My Chart
The other reason my bubble is a little burst? Dr. UCSD called me back after his discussion with his colleagues. Our conversation was hopeful but realistic. He mentioned to me POF - premature ovarian failure- and early menopause which I have known for a long time was a possibility. He said he is up for trying some stimmed IUIs. We can't really do that until J is home permanently in April. I asked him if there was anything we could do in the mean time to help our odds (ya know, progesterone, Ovidrel... anything, man, give me drugs!) And I shit you not, his exact words were: "those types of things will indeed prolong your luteal phase. Since it seems your issue stems from poor follicular growth even if we used them it'd be like beating the same old, dead horse." I almost died. Alas, I agree he is right but those were some harsh words! Sheesh.
In August after WTF#2, I was not prepared nor ready to hear about donor egg. I felt like (and still do) that we have time on our side. However I know our success decreases as each month passes. Hearing what I did from Dr UCSD was a shock. But a good one. Kind of like when you shock a heart in asystole to get it beating again. J and I had a short discussion about DE and what we are up for and open to. I think I'm getting off that river, DeNile, and letting reality set in. The challenge now is to decide if that's really the right thing for us and our future.
In keeping with my half-glass-full mentality we are doing our best to see the good in all this. After 14 months of negative after negative, that's getting a tad difficult. But alas, there is always something positive to take away, no? It is apparent to me that acupuncture/herbs is working its magic. I told myself this month was a win no matter what because *DRUM ROLL* the only time I spotted was the day before AF. Miraculous! TMI alert: it was still brown and nasty, and day 1 was pretty gross & terrible too but this.is.HUGE. My LP in total made it past 10 days. Miraculous! My temps were in the "normal" range instead of too cold. The only time these things have happened otherwise is with drugs i.e. clomid or IVF when my body was hopped up on hormones. There are many who gave me weird looks when I said I was trying eastern medicine. When the proof is on paper, there isn't much you can deny. I'm not silly and agree maybe its just a huge coincidence. We'll find out in 26 days if coincidence strikes twice.
See for yourself: My Chart
The other reason my bubble is a little burst? Dr. UCSD called me back after his discussion with his colleagues. Our conversation was hopeful but realistic. He mentioned to me POF - premature ovarian failure- and early menopause which I have known for a long time was a possibility. He said he is up for trying some stimmed IUIs. We can't really do that until J is home permanently in April. I asked him if there was anything we could do in the mean time to help our odds (ya know, progesterone, Ovidrel... anything, man, give me drugs!) And I shit you not, his exact words were: "those types of things will indeed prolong your luteal phase. Since it seems your issue stems from poor follicular growth even if we used them it'd be like beating the same old, dead horse." I almost died. Alas, I agree he is right but those were some harsh words! Sheesh.
In August after WTF#2, I was not prepared nor ready to hear about donor egg. I felt like (and still do) that we have time on our side. However I know our success decreases as each month passes. Hearing what I did from Dr UCSD was a shock. But a good one. Kind of like when you shock a heart in asystole to get it beating again. J and I had a short discussion about DE and what we are up for and open to. I think I'm getting off that river, DeNile, and letting reality set in. The challenge now is to decide if that's really the right thing for us and our future.
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